Monster Girl Quest: Pocket Sand Edition
by Polkatown
Summary: So, a couple of months ago a buddy and I cooked up this little masterpiece of a disaster. His account name is Acronor. What more do you want? It's just a couple of nerds being jammed into a universe. If you want to know that happens, go and read it, you dingus.
1. Jabronies, use headbutt!

t was a beautiful day outside, the birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, on days like these...a couple of faggot kids were having lunch like usual. Of these kids, were our main characters, and because they're all generic nerds, I'll have to pick out these intrepid characters for you.

By throwing them through a black hole.

Surprised, and I'm somewhat sure one of them wet their pants, knowing nerds, they all got sucked up screaming. Whoever doesn't die is our main characters.

Now let's have fun finding out.

Across time and space and shit, there twas that yandere goddess chick, with the blond hair, and the boobs. While that isn't uncommon- COUGH cough Hera cough cough -this one was more angelic than well, greek style goddesses.

Hey, hey you fucks, steer your imaginary eyes off those boobs: This is ain't no MA fic, you ain't gettin' nothin'.

Nonetheless, if you live under a rock, I'll have to educate you: Thar be Illias.

Crazy fuckin' bitch.

Anyways, we join her in a nice freeze frame of her getting headbutted in the shnoz.

Now, Illias looks confused as you can guess, getting headbutted in the face and all by some random teenager.

And nearby? There was Alice, also being introduced to the top of someone's head being applied to one's face, a new therapy to counteract consciousness.

Unlike the normalish angelic Illias, Alice was... _exotic_.

Big boobies, nice face, snake tail instead of legs, purple skin. Yeah, I said snake tail, we're going into THAT kinda part of japan.

Nonetheless, as with mermaids: Top half is fine, and hope to god the lower part cuts off below the important bits.

Anyways, that little tidbit aside, we shall now press 'Play' on these events.

Illias is shot back a bit, knocked off balance while flying over the church, whose church? Her church, located in Illias village, on the continent of Illias, next to Illiasburg the city.

Illias is totally a humble and down to earth goddess, totally.

Totally wouldn't leave a purple haired kid to get unbaptised because her hair was ruffled and her nose was bleeding.

Totally.

Nonetheless, the duo was surprised, previously, when a black portal materialized, materialized? Portals don't really have mass, do they?

Ah fuck it, it's magic, I'm too old for this shit. Generic placeholder magic solves everything.

Anyways, materialized in front of them...and out shot a bunch of nerds, no not the candy, but the 'glasses, D&D, and homestuck' kinda weirdo's.

The rest fell down towards the church...while two shot violently and two opposite directions.

One towards Ilias, and one towards Alice.

Surprised, they couldn't dodge in time as the two young boys, one short haired in a light grey hoodie, and the other with shoulder length dark brown hair and a black jacket slammed the tops of their skulls straight into the chins of the two powerful people. The duo were launched, one surprised and in some pain, the other straight up knocked the fuck out.

Also, safe to say the nerds were the first to pass out.

Falling, (One hitting Alice and flew back far, back where the other nerds were.) then fell through the hole created by the other nerds, landing on them with a 'CRUNCH' and some gross liquid splorching noises. It was pretty gnarly.

Also, a giant electric wheel chair fell as they started moaning, and crashed down in between the long and short haired lads, both being untouched thankfully by the wheelchair.

Unluckily, the rest didn't, and died.

"AH FUCKIN-" were the first words of the long haired one as he awoke, followed by a "-JESUS CHRIST!" The short haired one called out.

Both of the young lads had a wicked headache from something, but they didn't know what. Stumbling up they turned and looked at eachother, recognition dawning on their faces, then disgust, then looking at something else, followed by more disgust.

The events were as such: See friend, see blood and guts on friend, notice pile of dead goo, much, and viscera, get grossed out.

Simple.

"What the...fuck?" The long haired one said, confused "Cody, the fuck? Wheel chair? What? Beard guy with boobs?" He said, taking a brief glance at the old friend he never bothered to learn the name of...Jard? Something like that. Nonetheless the bearded friend had a wicked rack- but was also dead- but damn what a wicked rack.

Ahem.

"Beard guy? You mean...OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK? What the hell happened to Stephen?" The short haired one said, or well, Cody, as he had been identified.

"I don't know man, urp-" he said, before rapidly closing his mouth, his cheeks puffing out. He gulped the contents of his lunch back down and shook his head. "-but fuck man, let's get outta here before we add vomit to this pile of gross junk. Figure this out somewhere that doesn't smell like blood and shit." The long haired one said, looking around for an exit.

"Yeah I know, whoever decorated this place should be fired!"

"Looks like an edgy 13 year old who went fuckin' whacko on angels. Also-" he points towards a door at the far end of the hall. "-I think that's the exit. Let's fuckin' go before I hurl." He said, shaking his head and moving towards the door.

"Oh come on, it's not that ba-" and at that moment, Cody realised he had fucked up. "Yeah, let's fucking go"

The duo set out on a grand quest! Facing many challenges along the- oh wait wrong script.

The duo walked to the door normally, and popped it open. They blinked in surprise at what they saw: Utter fucking chaos, and shitty wood houses that you'd see in some gay ass Renaissance know,something similar early age houses in Age of Empires 2. Everyone even looked the part.

Now, the duo was unsure what to do...that is, until they saw a mop of purple hair rushing through the crowd in the other direction.

"Purp- Purple hair? The fuck?" He asked, quirking a brow. "Who dyes some twelve year old kids hair purple?" The long haired one was the one talking.

"Wait, this seems oddly familiar, maybe we should go check out who the fuck that kid is."

"Sounds like a plan, but maybe we should get some weapons or some shit, I mean, everyone has to be running for a _reason_ y'know?" He said, looking around and spotting a shovel leaning against one of the nearby buildings, and started walking over to it.

"What do you think they're running from?" Cody asked, eyeing the crowd.

The long haired one shrugged, "Fuck if I know, bandits, fire...TAXES?!" He said overly dramatically, before chuckling "But yeah, one outta three we're gonna need something to bludgeon a fucker with so-" he picked up the shovel and slung it over his shoulder, before he turned around and paused, blinking.

"Uh, man, do you feel that this place looks a little...odd for some reason?" He said, looking around. It wasn't really that it felt odd, or looked odd, but the fact that he looked at this and it didn't look odd was what was well, odd.

"Maybe there's a glitch in the matrix, I mean, we did get sucked through a black hole, or something like that, to tell you the truth, I've never watched one of those movies all the way through."

"Neat, I guess, but no sunglasses so we're not in the matrix, that's for sure. I dunno, something about everything is just...different…" he sighed "But fuck it man, find a bludgeon and let's go find that kid, he might even have answers or something." The long haired one said.

"All right, that axe over there looks promising, not exactly a bludgeon though."

"Pop the top off and it will, but fuck it, grab it and let's go." He said, turning around and heading through the waning crowd, eyes catching onto the purple haired kid talking to some big woman, not big in the good sexy way, but in the 'I'm old with like 20 kids' kinda way.

"Fucking hell man, I've never actually seen you run before" Cody said, catching up to the long haired nerd.

Y'know, the long hair thing is getting old, it's not like its a big fucking surprise.

The fucker's name is Tristan, there, congrats.

Anyways, Tristan just shrugs "Not like we do anything in person together that isn't just chilling at lunch time, anyways, I think I saw the little fucker run off into the forest with a sword...soooo, yeah, bandits probably. We should really keep the little shit safe." He said, and pushed past the last few panicking commoners, breaking out in a jog after the young boy.

"I'm surprised they let him get this far, considering he's just a boy."

"A boy with the balls to head out with a sword and try and kill a fucker, compared to the other guys who are shitting themselves back there." Tristan said, taking a more leisurely pace as he rested, trying to catch his breath while looking for the kid.

"He couldn't have made it far, so, how the hell did we lose sight of him?" Cody asked, slowing his pace just ahead of Tristan.

"We're unathletic nerds, I'm pretty sure a 9 year old could out run us, and out stamina us." He deadpanned.

"Well, i doubt that, you're not giving yourself enough credit, jabronie, wait, do you hear a little girl screaming?"

"Aw fuck, did the bandits get a hostage or something? Let's go dude, I don't wanna deal with this shit on my conscience." He said, heading towards the noise at a decent pace.

"Wait, that's not a little girl, that's just a very feminine boy, I think. Not, sure."

"Why the heck would you know what a girly boy sounds li-" he said, before stumbling forwards, tripping on a branch and falling through a bush.

"God fucking, FUCK YOU, ya god damn, fuckin, mother nature." He said, getting up and kicking the bush off him as he stumbled into the small path...where a... a...what?

Located on the path, staring at him was...Luka, from monster girl quest, and a slime girl from that said game...both staring at him wide eyed and surprised.

"Wut." was his intelligent observation on the situation.

"Hey man, you okay?" Cody asked, walking around the bush, and stopping next to Tristan "you look like you've seen a ghost."

"Wuh, buh, wuh, huh?" He replied, before shaking his head, reaching over, and placing his hands on Cody's cheeks, turning his head towards the duo who were staring at the other duo.

"Holy fucking.. What? Is that...ARE THEY?" Cody had a horrible time speaking, and was never very good at english in the first place.

He stepped back and looked over Cody then gasped "Dude, you look like...the ANIME'S!" He said, pointing an accusing finger at Cody "But why does that feel NORMAL?" He asked himself, pointing at said person, being himself.

"I look like an anime character? Is that what you're trying to say?" Cody asked, confused.

He nodded "Fuck man, do I look like weeb god too?" He asked, looking at his hands "Holy fuck, I do! Haha, awesome." He said smiling, then looked up "Even shed some, well, visual pounds. I'm drawn skinnier or som- wait." He paused "Drawn? I'm okay with?" He pinched the bridge of his nose "No, no, stop thinking about it." He said, then looked up, and noticed everyone staring at his impromptu self talking session. He blinked in reply.

"As much as I like to hear you ramble, can we please try to figure out what the fuck that blue liquid thing is?"

"Dude, its a slime girl. Look at the boobs." He said, pointing at aforementioned jiggly bits. "We're in monster girl quest." He shrugged, not too messed up about this...mainly because he's denying that it's truly real, but eh, whatever, simple semantics.

"I guess that explains alot, but, there's no way this is real, yo. I'm just dreaming, right?"

He shrugged "Maybe, but hey, let's pretend like it is, and laugh when we wake up." He said, smiling, before glancing over to the slime girl, who had gotten out of its stupor.

"Oooohhh~! Looks like some fresh meat arrived." She said, trying to sound as sensual as possible...but came off as trying too hard, and that just kinda annoyed Tristan personally. Nonetheless he waited, walking forward a bit as she monologues.

She sniffed "And un-baptized too? Three in one day? Lucky me~!" She said cheerfully, then a lascivious smile spread on her face "So just pu-" it was then then her entire head exploded as Tristan swung his shovel in a baseball like swing, smashing her head open, and watched as the slime flew everywhere to the side...and onto Luka.

Blink, blink, blink…"Woops." He said simply.

"Bitch got what was coming to her, we didn't even need to attack as a group, or any of that tactical shit that no one in fantasy ever does" Cody said, than gave a chuckle at his own stupid joke.

He shrugged with a smile, then took a step… or he would have, if a pair of blue arms didn't wrap around him.

"You big meanie, attacking me while I'm talking. Now I've got to pu-" she pronounced the words slowly "nish" and as she spoke the last words, the damning words of "SPLORCH" oh wait, no, that's just her getting slammed in the face with a shovel.

"OW FUCK." she screeched, gripping her face as she stumbled back, or well, slithered, gooped, shlorped, (whatever the fuck slime movement is called), backwards.

The next combo was both brutal, and sudden. She felt the shovel slam into her stomach, bending her over, and then felt her smooshed midsection get chopped in half...by the shovel.

"BOOM BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY, GET OUT THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!" He sung happily as he golf swung her head off, which also got flung right onto Luka...who was currently running around, yelling and trying to get the goop off of him.

"Look T, that's not how you meme, you can't just say it whenever"

"It's also a meme to use memes badly." He retorted as he repeatedly slammed the shovel into the recovering slimes regrowing head, keeping it blind as he wailed on it...oh wait, it's already dead. He's just beating the shit out of a pile of goo.

"Yeah, fair point, now let's get this toddler to calm the fuck do-" he said, but was cut off by a THWONG.

The THWONG of a purple head meeting grey flat metal.

"Woops-" but then was interrupted by a loud fucking voice saying thus:

 **Tristan** _ **has**_ _**Leveled Up!**_

"Wat." They both said at the same time.


	2. Foot-in-Mouth-itis

"How the fuck did we get lost on a road?" Tristan asked, confused, shovel on one shoulder, knocked out pussy in the other.

"I don't know if you've noticed,but we aren't exactly the brightest bunch" Cody said.

"Speak fo' yo'self fucka, I'm a almost straight A student...Albeit not really for my long term memory…" He said, muttering the last part. He says that, but for some reason he used an a, where he should have used an. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

It'd been a bit before the two stopped freaking out about levels, because y'know, fuckin' levels man, nonetheless the fact they considered this a probable dream helped alot.

"Anyways, let's keep mov-." It was then that the universe raised its middle finger to Tristan, and he tripped on something...and that something wrapped around his leg. Luckily for his dignity, and unluckily for Cody's, he also tripped, falling over some weird blob thing? It wasn't hard, and wasn't a bush, so it confused both greatly about what they'd just fallen over/partially upon.

Oh yeah and Luka got flung, face planting on the Shovel of +1 slime beating. That was Tristan's name for it of course, the fucking nerd

"Oh god please don't be a poisonous snake." Tristan said worriedly, while reaching for his shovel...which was just out of reach. "Fuck you universe." He said agitated with his luck currently, blaming a vague metaphysical entity that doesn't even really exist.

"No, a snake wouldn't have tripped us, we're not THAT pathetic, it's probably much worse" Cody said.

That was when they both rolled onto their backs, and looked downwards, seeing purple skin, big boobs, and a giant fucking snake tail.

Both had...reactions.

Cody, the much more cautious one at the moment, shuffled back quickly and got up, eyes searching for his lost hatchet.

Tristan, the much more mentally unstable of the two currently, got to his knees, crawled over, and jostled her a bit...wait no he squeezed her boob first, THEN jostled her lightly. "Hey, hey, are you alri-" it was then that her eyes shot open, and she bolted up, to which Tristan responded to with "OH fuck!" and falling backwards onto his ass.

She looked straight at them, and they to her, and Luka to the shovel his face was currently smooshed into.

A solid minute passed like that, and at some point Luka passed gas in his sleep.

Grody.

"So uh...come here often?" Tristan said awkwardly, getting up and dusting himself off before reaching up to rub the back of his neck...not out of necessity, but because that seemed like the anime thing to do. The fuckin' weeb.

"You asked if I was okay. Why would you ask that?" She said sharply to him, staring him in the eyes, blazing a glare that would make most intelligent men piss themselves.

Tristan currently wasn't using his brain, so he went with the first hair brained plan he thought up: Bullshit, and pretending.

"Well, if I'm gonna be a true hero, I can't just leave damsels knocked out in the forest." It was a high risk gamble, lying to her, especially about something like this...but he felt like it, he also felt like giving a heroic speech, because he could. Yet again, his lack of common sense at that time prevailed, and he was going to bullshit so hard he'd clog the toilet.

"um...T, this isn't the time" than a thought came to Cody's mind. "Oh fuck it, it's a dream, who cares?" He lowered his guard, but still continued to search for his axe, he focused more on finding his axe, than he did the situation that was placed in front of him. Because, you can't axe motherfuckers without an axe.

"Hero? A hero saving a monster? HA, what a joke you naive child. It is a hero's job to kill monsters, and you fail that simple task? Or are you too stupid to know that's what you're supposed to do?" She said condescendingly, chilly glare cooling the temperature of the forest by at least double digit degrees.

"You seem to have misheard me." Tristan said, giving the best smile he could to her, "I said TRUE hero, though, with such a nasty crater in the ground, you musta hurt your head a smidgen, by the way? Your nose is bleeding." She reached up and wiped under her nose, lifting it up to look at the blood, then wiping her face more thoroughly. "Anyways, a true hero cares not about race. You're a girl who looked hurt, it's only right that I help." T said, trying his best to sound like a generic anime protagonist. 'I hope I did well.' he thought to himself.

"Ha, such lofty morals in a world like this? You'll die in moments. What do you expect? Monster girls only respect power, and what, you're just going to open your arms to them?" She said snidely.

T chuckled. "In a world of darkness, if one wants to change it, would one not have to be light itself? Dark cannot make dark light and all that, if that makes sense. I'll get strong, strong enough that I can preach my morals, strong enough to survive, and make them hear me, whether they like it or not I suppose. I'll fight til my last breath to change this world for the better, societies standards be damned." He said, channeling the animes...ALL THE ANIME'S.

"Look kid" Cody said, having found his axe, "He's kind of full of himself, you should probably play along with him".

"God dammit Cody, I had something good going on, you asshole. I should shovel you for that." He said annoyed, and sighed angrily.

It was then that Cody found himself choking, a giant snake woman suddenly near him, and that he currently couldn't feel the ground under his feet...because he was two feet above the ground.

"Kid hm? You sniveling curr, you dare speak to me in such a way. I should kill you right no-" It was then that she was interrupted by a young face, the face of a purple headed boy...who's opened eyes were rolled up into the back of his head, and drooling on her arm.

"Cody, snake lady, stop fighting! Think of the children!" he said, waving the abused body of Luka around before dropping him like a sack of potatoes. "Anyways, seriously, please don't strangle my friend, pleeeaaasssseeeee." he said childishly, hugging- wait what hugging? Does this kid have a concussion? Eat some mushrooms off screen? No? Trauma maybe? Or that fact this- okay whatever, anyways, he hugged her. Yes, hugged the murderous snake lady. Genius.

Nonetheless she was mentally knocked off balance due to the combination of odd occurrences. Her grip slackening enough so Cody could get some air, to which his lungs thanked him much for supplying it to them after The Great Air Famine of 2016.

"Whu- buh- Why? Why're you? What? Hugging?" her brain was momentarily shorting out, but she quickly got back to focus, "Why would you hug me? Asking? I was about to kill your friend!" She said exasperated.

"Well, it didn't seem right to attack you, and you wouldn't REALLY kill him, at least, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't. So, a hug, and asking you. Y'know, diplomacy! One shouldn't draw a blade before trying to talk and some such nonsense." 'Man, I really am hamming the shit up on this. Well, I started this bullshit train, might as well break the brakes and keep on chugging.' Tristan thought to himself.

"Hey man, it's nothing personal when I called you kid, I call everyone that..." Cody took a moment to remember his knowledge of Monster Girl Quest "...Alice was it? Oh fuck."

It was then that Cody realized.

He'd fucked up.

Suddenly, the famine restarted, his lungs gasped, and so did he as suddenly he was being strangled again.

"One, you should learn that I should be excluded from that list of 'everyone.' Lest I make today your last. And Two," she reached over, clawed fingers digging into his face as she leaned in close to his face "How, did, you, know, my, name." she said, pausing for dramatic effect. Man, normal people probably woulda shit their pants by now. Snake lady is scaaaaaaaaaaarrrryyyyy.

It was then that she lessened her iron choke hold, so he could get a tiny bit of air...while still feeling like he was slowly choking to death. Joy.

"Gimme...a...bit...to...explain" Cody managed to choke out of his sarcastic, and stupid, little mouth.

He also noted in the background that his long haired compatriot was standing off to the side a bit, shovel in hand, staring nervously at the scene, shovel slung over his shoulder.

She raised her hand, loosened her grip on his throat...and bitch slapped him harder then A Pimp Named Slickback ever could.

His face slammed into a tree, so hard it was, that his face left an imprint before he fell off and landed on his ass, looking up at the giant, angry snake lady.

At this rate, the shoe in his mouth was gonna end up flying out of his ass.

"Explain." She said angrily, aura oozing off her. The serious scene was briefly ruined by Luka excavating his bowels into his pants. Even in 'sleep' he was scared shitless. Literally.

The only thing he could manage for the time being, was short, and sweet. "OW FUCK!" he yelled, before grabbing his tomato red face.

"He's a scholar of sorts." Tristan blurted out, hoping that he didn't catch 'shoe-in-mouth-itis' from Cody. "He's the more studious of us two, best friend since we were kids. I went for strength, he knowledge, I was the ideals, he was the, well, long term planner, as you can see as well...I'm the talker, and he's, well, yeah. Not good at talking or short term planning, like uh, well, not shoving his shoe in his mouth around you." he said, hopefully his rather...well, 'heroic' mentality convinced her to be interested in him enough to well, not just snap Cody's neck.

She turned and stared at Tristan, he stared back, using all of his willpower to not just try and run from that icy glare that promised nothing but death for even one misstep. Also, her glare made the whole area so cold that their nips could cut diamonds.

Chilly.

"Well then, make sure he doesn't speak next time. I'd suppose that could certainly drag him, and you, into some...undesirably circumstances." She said nonchalantly, in a casual, uncaring way.

It was obvious she could murder both of them in milliseconds if she wished.

"Haha, I'll make sure to do so. Anyways, we gotta take this kid back home. Luka that is. He's had a pretty rough day…No wait, ew, nevermind he shit himself. I'm not touchin' that." T said, grossed out and stepping away from the soiled boy. "At least he won't get raped, smelling like that." he said, pinched his nose closed.

"Yeah, that's right. He's the coexistence guy, right? Fuck, I can't even remember, and another thing, I don't think this is a dream anymore" Cody said, still under the control of his agony.

"Good guy, albeit not good enough to get me to uh, touch him. Pretty sure monster girls keep the big animals in check, right? Or well, replace them? I think it'll be alright…" Tristan shrugged, "Whatever, Cody uh, let's just, let's just get back to town." he said, awkwardly moving past Alice and picking Cody up. "Anyways, bye Alice Monster, never heard of that species but whatever, sorry about eh inconvenience and the disrespect." he said smiling, and dragging Cody away along the ground.

"Look dawg, I can still walk. Jesus man, I can really go for some food right now" Cody said, trying to free himself from Tristan's grip, though, he really didn't give it too much effort, he just kind of assumed that he'd drop him.

It took about, a good distance, a distance that led to Cody looking like some new age hippie, covered in random nature shit, only then was he let go, and did the overt smile leave Tristan's face. "You coulda died you crazy fucker, I didn't trust you to even WALK out there without causing something on accident. Shit man, really? Say her name? Call her kid? Fuck man, she coulda just probably vore'd you on the spot for that shit!" He said, sitting down at the base of a tree and leaning on it.

"Look dude," Cody said, rising to his feet, and adjusting his hoodie, "I still thought it was a dream, I was trying to have fun with it, y'know?"

"Remember when I said we should at least _pretend_ like it's real? Yeah, that's why. Shit man, what if we'd done something...god...we, we coulda died." he said, eyes wide as his hands lifted up to sides of his head, cradling his cranium for now.

"I'm sorry, okay? I just thought you were part of the dream. People can't really share a dream like that, that's not how it works" Cody said, trying hard not to freak out over the endeavor, and he _almost_ succeeded. He was visibly shaken, with a heart beat so fast, it could power Seatle for a week

"Let's, let's just...Let's move on, get to Luka's, steal his shit, maybe rob the weapon store or something, then high-tail it. No use dwelling on, on this." He stutters, shaking his head as if to shake the panicking thoughts out of his head. Thankfully, they were at the edge of the forest, and could see the town proper from here.

"If we take Luka's shit, than he won't able to fight that crazy bitch Ilias, and we can say goodbye to this world if that's the case" Cody said.

T shrugged in response "Take his non-essential shit then, proceeded by robbing this shit hole blind. Pretty sure if we convince Alice to hang out with us, we can scare the shopkeeps into running for their lives." He said shiftily, a crafty sort of cutthoat nerd he is indeed.

"Yeah good plan, but, if word gets out to other towns that we did this, it would cause other problems in the future" Cody argued.

"Wasn't it established that Ilias village was shit, no one comes here anymore, and at most it might trade a bit, and maybe mention that a long haired guy and a short haired guy was hanging with a monster girl. But remember? Alice rarely shows herself, so, remove monstergirl, and we're generic enough to not get noticed." He retorted, the two were currently walking towards town at a slow, calm pace, not really having anywhere to go for now.

"Look, I'm all for robbing this hell hole, but I think we should get some masks or something first, a form of insurance, I guess"

He chuckled, and snapped his fingers "Easy, I know just the thing, watch, and be amazed." he said, dropping the shovel, and retracting his arms into his hoodie. After a bit he pulled out...a shirt?

"Only need a shirt, and some tricks I learned from a t-shirt, aaaaaannnnnddddd…" he worked, fiddling with the shirt on his head. "...Voila." He said, head fully covered by a ninja like mask thing, or a terrorist shirt turban. Depends on how terrorist sensitive you are and all that. "Simple, as, that. Plus we have jackets, so we won't look stupid, y'know, running around shirtless, and masked by shirt ninja masks." He said, then picked up his shovel. "Put one yourself. In the panic, no one probably paid attention to us, sooo~ we can disguise ourselves while we're in town, and no one will associate our hoodie's with us and shit y'know?" He explained whilst getting back to walking.

"Judging by how shit guards are in this place, I think getting Alice to help will the be hardest part" Cody explained whiles wrapping his shirt around his head, when he put his hoodie back on, there was no visual difference, because he always wears it.

"Nah nah, that's simple. We tell her the plan, and put 'The food salesman' or whatever on the 'shopping list' and all that. Bim bam, her stomach leads her to agreeing." He says, nudging Cody as they arrived in town. Now that things we're semi calm, the villagers gave them confused looks as they walked around town, looking for a certain purple haired boys house.

"I don't actually remember what his house looked like, in fact, I don't think the exterior was ever shown. How exactly are we going to find his house?" Cody asked.

He chuckled "Simple, my dear Watson. I believe I remember that for some fuckin' reason Luka's windows are eternally open. Sooo, we just need to keep looking into front door window's until we see SnakeTitsMcgee, Tradmark." he said, vocalising the trademark symbol for some reason.

"Yeah, that was pretty weird, wasn't it? Also, couldn't you see like some windmill outside through his window? Something like that." Cody said, looking down at the path in front of him, making sure that they don't trip over something again.

"Let's get a lookin'." he said simply, whilst meandering towards a nearby house.

"Jesus that took a while." He said, wiping his forehead, and then staring at the sheen of sweat on his hand. "Hindsight says we really need to get light clothing. Our fuckin' jackets are too wintery for this blazing hot weather n' shit." he said, spitting at the ground in front of the door. Which door? The door to Luka's house, because we wouldn't just cut off to go to a random scene of them talking about the weather ya dipshit.

"So, are we gonna knock? Or barge in while yelling John Cena, or an equally irrele-" Cody asked, looking around /absent mindedly, but whilst talking was interrupted by the sound of shit getting smashed.

"LEEROY JENKINS!" Tristan screeched at the top of his lungs, slamming his foot just under the doorknob, his brand new shiny level leading him to being able to break a lock on a door.

The door slammed open, and the two took in the sight of Luka, Luka's hand being engulfed by someone's mouth, and that mouth being Alice's. The two groups stared at eachother, surprised by either the sudden entry, or the weird sight, or the sudden entry and weird sight of two vaguely familiar guys in shirt turbans breaking into your house suddenly.

Safe to say Luka was the most distressed person in this situation.

Safe to say no on cared.

"If you're going to eat someone, Why would you start from the hand? And why would you do it while they're still alive?" Cody asked, while taking a rather casual pace deeper into the house.

This was proceeded by Luka screeching something about 'Oh Illias I shouldn't have trusted her!' and 'Illias please forgive me, and help me, and seriously what the hell were you gonna say back in that vision I had in front of the slime girl?'.

"Side note: Nice to see you guys, and Luka, where's your salt?" Tristan said nonchalantly, whilst popping inside and shifting through Luka's Kitchen.

He stopped, and looked at Tristan with a smile "Oh, its in the cabinet, bottom shelf, on the le-wait a minute." He said, stopping himself as he glared at him, forgetting about his previous screeching for now.

"Thank you~!" T said, before going to said cabinet, and stealing the large bag of salt.

"Look kid, it's important later, and you won't need it for anything anytime soon, if that's what you're wondering" Cody said, following T out of the kitchen.

The salt was following by the robbery of several other items: Including various foodstuffs, spices, a kitchen knife, and a frying pan.

"Why would you even need all that? And stop stealing my stuff!" he said, pulling his hand out of his glove before marching over to the duo, arms waving in a windmill style as he walked towards him.

The powerful technique: Windmill strike stance of ultimate hitting, was stopped by a better technique.

Tristan's arm extending, palm placed on Luka's forehead, and he held him back at an arm's length.

God he was pitiful.

"Hey Alice, wanna help us steal more shit? More specifically: some food." Cody asked, slinging a gunny sack full of Luka's shit over his back.

"And camping stuff and weapons. We're setting out to well, haha, save the world I suppose. And well, we need the money." He said awkwardly, before raising his arms in a 'surrendering' gesture, shovel and gunny sack of Luka's stuff at his feet. "But mainly food, hell, we might grab a cookbook or too, learn how to cook some stuff for our journey." He said, hands lowering, one to the back of his neck to rub it nervously, and one to push Luka's head down so he faceplanted on the floor.

Haha, man, today must suck for that midget.

Cody nudged Luka with his foot "Man you are a puss, anyways, what do you say?"

Alice looked at the pathetic sight, that was Luka, than back at the duo.

She shrugged. "I have nothing better to do, and food _does_ sound like a good incentive." she said to the duo. "So, how do you plan to do this?" she asked, quirking a brow.


	3. The salt train stops for no slug

I will save you readers the trouble of dealing with the obvious results of their robbery and just skip ahead.

Our intrepid losers, a tied up Luka, and a somewhat amused snek lady embarked with their stolen loot, the villagers too busy shitting themselves in fear as T wiggled Alice's snake tail at them.

They'd loaded up with camping gear, some books (Stolen from the church, for which the priest was at that had to get beaten up due to not backing off), herbs n' shit, and some light-ish equipment from the blacksmith who makes ridiculous shit.

Have you seen the crap that guy has on display? Jesus, I know this is a shitty fantasy adventure but a lot of that was just silly.

Nonetheless, they both looked like a pair of low level bitches from an MMO.

PROCEED WITH THE VISUAL INFO DUMP!

Tristan had opted for the 'Sword and Board' method and donned a short sword and smallish circular metal shield as his main fighting weapons, though he opted to be armed to the fucking teeth, his hand actually had a halberd in it instead of his sword, and on his back was a bastard sword and a crossbow vertically on the two side most parts of his back, whilst a long dagger type thing was on his lower back, a short sword sheathed on his shield arm sides, aka his left arm, for he was a righty.

His armor was the heavier of the two, being a modest chest plate and chainmail combo, his hands and feet being covered in hard leather boots and gloves. His head, was hooded by a chainmail coif and hood attached to his tunic covered it. His body was covered by a hooded tunic over his chainmail, but under his breast plate, along with a secondary clothing set underneath. The hooded tunic was longer than his torso and went to mid thigh, along with some leather pants held on tightly by a belt with several pouches on it, two of which, on his back-side areas were containing bolts for his crossbow. Safe to say he was heavy as shit, but he reasoned it would make him stronger in the long run. Later on, he hoped, he could get some more additions to make himself look more complete, but for now it was fine.

His friend, Cody, had opted for a more lightweight approach, a simple bastard sword on his side, and a crossbow on his back, on his other hip, he carried his old hatchet in case he needed to throw it, not that he actually thought there was a situation where he needed to throw a hatchet, he just simply loves chucking hatchets. He donned chainmail armor and a coif, he covered his chainmail with a nerdy-wizardy type robe, because T persisted that he did so to hammer home the whole scholar thing. He opted to carry the rope coil, because he felt as if he was going to hang himself by the end of this, and just in case he had a dagger strapped to his back. Also, underneath his armor he had a set of normal peasant-type clothing, best to put as many layers as possible between you and a disgusting abomination that insists that you stick your dick in it. Also two belts, because you can never be too safe.

AND THUS THE INFO DUMP ENDED, AND OUR SHITTY QUEST TRULY BEGAN.

The dynamic duo, for the most part, seemed on guard for the trip, and only made passing light conversation to the scary snek, that is, until she was suddenly gone at some point.

"Wha-Fuck. Monster in range." T said, shield raising as he looked around, on guard… and quickly saw a kinda cute victorian-age lookin' gal, but he wasn't fooled. He dropped his halberd, and reached into his bag…

Cody unconfidently gripped the handle of his sword with one hand, then put the other into his bag when he saw T's reaction, and remembered what the first monster that was encountered outside of the village.

"...Travelers? Not baptized, either. You both look de-" was as far as she got before a horrible, burning pain erupted from her face as the knightly one threw something at it, blinding her, followed by a second salvo of agony that made her feel like she was melting.

It was yet again made prevalent that T was a little crazy when he ran behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist gently…

Then suplexed her into the ground behind him.

"GO FOR THE FACE WHILE I HOLD HER!" he yelled out, albeit a full nelson probably woulda worked, the twit, I mean, it worked on Rad- wait no copyright...Radish-man McEvil...yes, the totally original villain, yes...please don't fire me.

Cody swiftly ran at the grapple, unsheathed his hatchet...and then violently began slamming the blunt side of his hatchet into the slug lady...thing's face. Well… he would've if his hatchet didn't stick to it's face on the first swing.

"I'd face palm if I had any hands...just, just salt her to death already…" T said, then groaned "This position is killing my fuckin' back." T said, though he realized he'd have to spend a while melting the bitch off him once this was all said and done.

The slug then felt the sensation of acid rain… or the slug equivalent would be diving into the Atlantic ocean, or other similar salt pun. Cody felt a strange guilt when he heard the horrible screams...that must be a horrible way to die.

 **Cody has Leveled Up!**

Thirty minutes passed until T was free from his mostly body grip of the corpse of the fucking slug girl. Safe to say he lit her corpse on fire and spat on the flames, grumbling about awkward positions and fucking pains.

What is he, a senior citizen?

"So...what was it like to have a melted body on top of you?" Cody asked, cleaning the slug mucus off of his hatchet using his old shirt turban.

"Y'know jello? Imagine Jello being melted on you. Fuckin' weird feelin." T replied, shaking his head as the snek appeared.

"Using most of our salt on your first enemy? Pah, some heroes you are." she mocked as soon as she arrived, being the bitchy bitch she was. Fuckin' cynics.

"Thanks!" T fake replied fake earnestly "Pretty clever eh? Never saw it coming...Pfftt hahaha, ah, I crack myself up." he said, laughing at his own bad joke.

"Don't worry ki-Alice, I was prepared for this situation... I stole us an extra bag," Cody explained... but then noticed the corpse of a bag on the ground. He forgot to tie it, the fucking retard, and it fell off of his belt, "well, fuck."

T promptly facepalmed "Cody you fuckin' retard." he said, sighing "Fuck it, I didn't even want those kidney stones." he moped a bit, kicking the useless bag petulantly. Then perked up "Oh well, that's what we have Luka for." he said, looking behind him to the boy...who was fully tied up and laying face first on the ground.

"I think I loaded him with some salt when I made him our pack mule...against his will, lemme check," Cody said, grabbing the rope that the party, specifically T, was dragging the midget by the entire way out of the village, and pulling him over to the group. Cody made a quick scan of the objects Luka was carrying, mainly heavy metal cookware. "Nope, no salt," he returned his now clean hatchet to his sheathe and threw the shirt turban onto the melting corpse. Good riddance. Cody had been trying to come up with an excuse to get rid of that Advanced Warfare shirt for way too damn long. That was the worst Christmas ever.

"Wait a minute, why was this thing so close to the village? That's dangerous territory for a monster, don't you think?" Cody questioned, awkwardly staring at the remains of the slug. It looked bad, but the smell was by far the worst part.

"Wasn't it like, in the canon that the hero business ain't what it used to be or something, like not a whole lotta people are running around being 'heroes', plus, y'know, it's the level 1 area. Pretty much everyone coming out of the village is gonna get their shit beat by her because they have jack shit else to fight with," T rants out at him, before cracking his knuckles idly "Nonetheless, who cares? She woulda killed us or whatever anyways." he says, glaring at the remains.

"I...guess you're right. Let's just go," Cody replied, handing the Luka leash over to Tristan.

"Level 1?" Alice asks, confused.

Freezing up for a moment, Tristan chuckles, and goes to lie like the lying liar that lies and looks back "A little bit of inside joke, coming from an old kids game we played back at our home village. Levels are numbers that depict how strong something is, and level 1 is the lowest level." he explains, bullshit almost literally spewing from his mouth and covering the area. Nonetheless she seems to nod and accept it.

After the explanation, T takes the leash before he turns off the road and starts dragging Luka into the forest "Anyways, it's getting late so we need to set up camp and figure out a way to make Luka cook for us. I elect to use Alice, and the threat of lewd shit. He probably hates that shit, same with most Illias followers" he says, looking around for a good secluded camping spot.

"It's not lewdness in general, it's lewdness that includes monsters," Cody explained, following T close behind, "disgusting, disgusting monsters."

Tristan chuckles "Man, I was alluding to that, now you're making me look bad in front of the ladies, and hey, only 80% of monster girls are horrifying monstrosities that should be burnt with fire at the earliest convenience," he shoots back as he drops the leash. Though Cody agreed, he wasn't going to admit it. "Anyways, this seems like a good enough spot." the potential pyromaniac said as he took off his backpack and started busting out the camping gear.

"I used to love camping, and I still do, but considering how dangerous the world is nowadays…" Cody's voice trailed off as he got his camping shit out of his bag.

And thus the duo- mainly Cody who had some experience with camping, as opposed to his firmly nature hating friend -began setting up camp. That is boring. ONWARDS TO THE INTERESTING.

"I really want to know how Luka made this 'random shit thrown together' meal actually taste good. It's ridiculous," Cody said, his first words since the meal started. The sun had began setting whilst they were setting up camp.

"I mean, he's probs practiced with, y'know, actually good teachers throughout the village. Rather than y'know, piecing together the literally worst fighting style in the history of swordsmanship." he reflected as he pat his stomach with a smile.

Luka gave his thoughts in the form of whimpering whilst he tried to caterpillar away. Nonetheless the rope tied around T's stomach denied him of escape.

"Kid, you aren't getting anywhere, you might as well save your breathe," Cody said, finishing his food and lying back looking up at the sky.

"Sh, shut up! You big jerks, what else am I supposed to do when you won't fight me fairly!" he said petulantly from the dirty dirt floor. How dirty? Dirty.

"We both know you'd get totalled, so shush." T says, then grins maliciously "Or do you wanna test your swordplay on Alice~." he says teasingly, to which Luka becomes pale and shakes his head side to side wildly. "Damn straight." he said, grabbing a waterskin and taking a couple of gulps.

"I kinda want to see that actually, shitty rusty knife vs Angel Halo," Cody said, still unmoving from his spot. He had mentioned Angel Halo far too casually for Alice's liking.

Cody's lungs were reintroduced to having a dwindling source of air, guess why? Yeah, he suffers from Foot-In-Mouth-Itis.

"How did you know?" she said calmly, yet again glaring with such intensity, but so coldly it felt like the area dropped several degrees towards 'cold as fuck'.

Luckily, this time Luka didn't shit himself.

"Who else could get the angel halo after Heinrich ascended?" T said suddenly from the side calmly "It was not like anyone else was there to receive it, therefore the monsters, aka the monster lord, would have taken it to keep it out of human hands." he continues, rotating his wrist idly before he actually looks at them.

"And, well, I'm not a stupid brick. The monster lord line is typically a long descending order of 'Alice's' who are lamias. You're incredibly powerful, far beyond what I can measure, and what he can measure, so it isn't that far of a jump to say you are the current monster lord." he said, pointing at her suddenly.

Phoenix Wright, Ace attorney, would be proud of his loud 'TAKE THAT!'

Both Cody and Alice stared at him for an awkward minute.

It was really awkward

.

.

.


	4. Dirty fighting

**Chapter 4: Taking Dirty Fighting To The Next Level**

Anyways, awkward pauses be damned, the show must go on!

"So what you're saying is you both already figured out I was the monster lord." Alice said, arms crossed as she stared at the smiling boy, and the currently clawing at his chest in some vain attempt to get more air into his lungs boy.

"Pretty much." he said candidly as he poked the burning campfire idly, seemingly uncaring, or secretly freaking the fuck out.

Who knows?

...What, you want to know?

Well screw you, I'm not some slave, I can narrate what I want! I'm a strong, independent narrator, who don't need no audience.

Back to regular- ah shit I missed some stuff, currently T was experiencing the 'no air diet' that Cody tended to love.

"So you planned to kill me in my sleep I bet." she said, directing her glare at the feebly smiling Tristan, who seemed calm in spite of the choking.

"Haha...you think too little...of yourself...and myself as a person...albeit could you loos...loosen up your gr-" he cut out, having slowly gotten quieter and quieter as he choked slowly whilst expelling what little air he had.

Let it not be said that Alice is a cruel one, for she is totes merciful during her choking sessions with some people.

Some.

She loosened up enough to let him speak, and also breath so he can speak. His lungs could almost be heard crying in joy as he sucked in a deep breath.

Cody stood up, and dusted himself off before re-attaching his sword to his belt. "It doesn't help to strangle...you're already intimidating enough," he said, "If we truly intended to kill you, we would've done so while you were knocked out in the woods."

"Refer to Cody, for the award of stealing my words straight outta my brain." he said, chuckling as he lifted his hands to feebly try and get out of the choke "Christ, I'ma look like an abuse victim after this I swear." he mumbles as his legs swing childishly in the air.

After a pause, she sighs, and lets him go.

A sack of potatoes falling and thumping on the ground would be too graceful for the heap he ended up in.

"You two are giving me a headache, I'm going to sleep," she said, sighing whilst she was slithering off and wrapping herself around a tree.

"Devil, take the women, for they never can be easy," Cody said, awkwardly rubbing his neck which had visible choke marks,"we should hit the sack too, I gotta feeling we're going to need the extra rest."

"True dat." T said, turning around whilst rubbing his neck "On both respects." he added as he crawled into his tent and hugged his dagger to his chest, not trusting the world he's in for even a second.

Good way to look at things in a place like this.

Cody didn't get much sleep that night, he spent most of it dwelling on the fact that they've killed two beings. Though he had killed animals before, they didn't speak, or scream.

One had dreams, the other, a vision of sorts.

"Tristan...an odd name." some voice called from the clouds. Where was he? What was going on?

"Whhuuhg?" he called out through my grogginess, confused "Who, what?" Tristan called out, sitting up from the soft surface he was on, a surface that begged him to keep sleeping, but more pressing things were occurring, so he ignored it.

He blinked, confused at who he was seeing, his mouth speaking before he could truly understand "Illias?" he asked, quickly getting on a knee and bowing. Wouldn't serve to piss off a genocidal maniac.

"Strange foreigner, who is not of those I have created, unbaptised and unblessed, you still forge on and act as a hero." She stated, staring down at the bowing strange anomaly of a being.

"I will be watching." She said before she waved a hand, and Tristan blacked out.

THE NEXT DAY

Cody's phone alarm woke him up, it had never occurred to him to turn it off or get rid of it. He really had no use for it. He didn't even have a means of recharging the battery. His first thoughts after turning off the phone was the awful headache that he had. He also felt slightly dizzy.

It was also worsened by the second piercing alarm that went off, but was shortly silenced after a moment.

Tristan had a similar occurrence to Cody, though he woke up earlier due to his 'Vision', so he had been sitting in his tent thinking about it, his trance of thought interrupted, he looked down at his bag and popped it out to silence it before sighing and crawling out to go untie Luke from the tree they'd leashed him to, to cook breakfast for everyone.

Mostly Alice, because she would do things both of the boys would be uncomfortable with in the grand scheme of things.

Moving on from 'Feed Raping'.

And also time skipping forwards a bit because the morning is boring, and shit.

Cody had a harder time packing up camp then he did setting it up the night before. His headache had hindered his perception. He worked in silence, wondering why he had sudden pains. In the end, he could really go for some coffee.

He felt a hand grab his shoulder as he rose up, looking back, he saw T's unsure gaze on him.

"You look like shit, what's up?" he asked, still looking at him with that weird sideways glance.

"I just have this odd...headache. I'm fine, really," Cody replied, trying to return to work.

He shrugged, having already packed most of his stuff and his tent, due to waking up earlier from the vision, he also looked over to Alice and Luka, who were idly chatting/arguing, about what? He didn't really give a fuck if he were to be honest.

T broke his gaze at the arguing couple when Cody tried to stand up, and stumbled back into a tree. He held the back of his head in pain. What a puss.

Tristan shrugged, never being one to help if someone wouldn't ask for it.

Lazy was a trait he was oddly proud of.

LATER, WHILST TRAVELLIN' N SHIT.

It'd been silent for the most part as T led the way, head looking back and forth to the sides of the road, wary of ambush, though, suddenly he slowed down and looked back.

"I, well, I think I spoke to Illias last night, in my dreams or something." he said more towards Cody, but in earshot of the others, though, the event weighed heavily in his mind due to the ambiguousness of it, he disliked unknowns heavily, especially unknowns that could fuck him over.

"You spoke to Illias?" Cody asked, in a voice that seemed distant,"did she tell you where we can find coffee, because jeez man."

"Why the fuck would god tell me about coffee? She said some ambiguous shit and said she'd be watching me, I'm not sure if I should be afraid or not honestly. Is she okay with what's going on, or is just holding the axe back until our head is just right to get chopped off?" he said, shaking his head, frustrated about it severely.

"Oh, is that bad?" Cody didn't slow his pace with Tristan, and walked ahead of him as he spoke. Cody hadn't fully registered what T said, but damned if he didn't try. His mornings weren't usually this bad. Despite being given enough time to make a conclusion, Cody still hadn't worked out why he felt like he had been hit with a brick in his sleep.

T walked faster to catch up with his friend, feeling somewhat annoyed he reached over and grabbed Cody's shoulder "Dude, what the fuck is up with you?" he asked, looking his friend over as if that might give him some hint as to his ailment. Psh, like that fucker knows jack shit about first aid and doctorin'.

"I-I don't know," Cody replied then shook his head. "I'm sure I'll be fine...eventually."

Our intrepid, genius adventurers, with their amazing ability to spot things did not notice the obvious plant in the middle of the god damned road. One not actually looking at it, and the other having some problem or another, they ended up…

Tripping with all their might on that plant, their legs shooting up a bit behind them as a loud scream echo'd out, our adventurers, confused, looking behind them, there was…

The mandragorea? That's how it's spelled right? Fuck it, I think it was, and shut up the narrator can't know EVERYTHING right? Gimme a fucking minute.

Wait it's just named after a fucking plant? Are you fucking kidding me? NEXT WE'LL GET THE PUMPKIN MONSTER NAMED PUMPKIN GENIUS.

Ahem, stupid simple names aside, our heroes saw her head as she screamed in pain from being so horribly and violently uprooted. What assholes.

Being the, well, 'heroes' they are, they try and get up to identify what the fuck just screamed...but they realized they couldn't move.

"What the fuck?" Tristan said quietly to himself, but after that they heard something speaking loud enough to drown it out.

"Who did that? Who the hell did that? Who woke me up? Where the hell are you you, you whatever you ares! You should be paralyzed so you gotta be nearby… and I see that pile of bags over there, and when I find you...hehehe" she said, letting out a perverted/evil laugh looking left and right as the duo heard the noises of earth being dug up by something, not realizing Luka was under that pile of bags.

T's eyes went wide as his face filled with a look of concentration and struggle, but his body, the limp noodle that it was, didn't move an inch.

Cody meanwhile...much of the same, but he didn't understand why he couldn't move.

Whilst the mandragora was ranting about the various unsavory, and various violent things she would do depending on the gender of the person who just barely didn't rip her plant out of her head was loud enough that T could quietly go "Shhh" to warn Cody not to open his mouth like a dumbass as they tried to break out of the paralysis.

She looked from left to right, confused for awhile due to, well, being stupid obviously. She's a fucking plant who sleeps all the time in a low level area, people are usually right in front of her.

It took a bit...but eventually, the duo heard the shuffling dirt of her turning around.

"Oooh, _there_ you are. I'm gonna have so much fun _torturing_ you for what you've done, and I'm gonna have such a nice long sleep with the _nourishment_ you two are gonna give me." She said in a seductive voice mixed with utter complete anger in such a way that she scared the shit out of them.

Cody then fully realized what had happened, and began struggling in the same way that one would struggle from the grasp of a large bear...well, in his head he was...

Y'know, if one were as limp as a wet noodle whilst getting mauled.

The two felt their legs being grabbed and pulled towards her, though she didn't think it odd the one in armor had his arms crossed behind his back. After they were closer she turned them around and she got a look at them.

"Meh, not in it for the looks, you do smell tasty though." she said, bending over and trying to pull at T's pants...and was confused. She pulled again, harder, and nothing happened.

There was an awkward pause.

A very.

Awkward.

Pause.

"Why aren't your pants coming off?" she asked, looking up with utter confusion. Her inexperience with adventurers that weren't level 1 noobs showing.

"Because…" T began saying, hand shooting out suddenly and grabbing her face suddenly, "...it gives me time to do this!" he said at the same time he drew his knife and embedded it into her giant anime eye, then reared his fist back and punching the handle before she could scream.

She lifelessly stared at T, knife having pierced her brain deep enough to kill her, then fell over on top of him, green plant juices leaking on his stomach.

He didn't spare her a moment and knocked her off of him with a slap like action, and got up and tried to dust the plant blood crap off of him.

It took a bit of effort, but Cody barely manage to painfully sit up. His body still felt very stiff. Like a lego person's anatomy.

He saw T wiping his dagger off on the hair of the mandragora idly to get the plant blood off the almost entirety of his dagger, since the eye is the only part he knew would be the weak point of any creature. There are two things you can't make tougher, and their both balls.

"We..we didn't notice her?" Cody asked in confusion.

"I was too busy paying attention to you, you were too busy being high or something." he said, satisfied with the lack of plant blood on his knife as he sheathed in again.

Cody slowly eyed the plant corpse, slightly distressed by the sight, the sight slightly numbed the pain of his headache, but it was still apparent. After a few moments he rose to his feet and fixed the position of his belts. "Let's just get out of here," he said.

T shrugged and looked back at the face down Luka, who was...crying he thinks?

T, not being heartless, went over and flipped him over, and looked grossed out at the snot and tears, dirt and a bit of mud made from his tears on his face before he shook that feeling off and...popped out a waterskin and poured it on his face to clear it off.

"Gross." he said simply as Luka sputtered from suddenly getting splashed in the face by water. "So the fuck is up with you kiddo?" he asked, tilting his head.

"Y-you...you killed her didn't you, like you did, did the slug...oh Illias I can still hear her screams." his tears reared up anew, and sobbed incoherently.

"Good job making a little boy cry, what wonderful heroes you are." someone said sarcastically from the side. I wonder who it i-it's fucking Alice, duh.

"I never claimed to be a hero, kid," Cody replied slightly hesitantly, though not realizing his mistake.

Something whipped at him suddenly and slammed in between his eyes, in the brief moment he could see it...it was a rock.

The pain of having a small rock slammed into his face caused him to raise his hands to the painful area, and that's when the worst pain known to men came.

Something slammed into his crotch.

He keeled over in a moment, he looked down to identify what just nut shotted him...dirt. A big ol' clump of dirt just hit him in the balls.

He was face first into the ground in a moment as he cradled his family jewels.

T just stared for a moment "You asked for that." he said simply before turning back to Alice, then to Luka.

"Man, Luka, they were murderers, of course I couldn't let them go, I mean, that Mandragora was there for a reason I bet! Why would she be planted right in the middle of the road, if not to get 'nourishment' and well, kill people whilst doing so?" he explained, trying to make Luka grip onto cold hard logic as his go to denial tool.

He didn't grip onto it, he just suddenly looked really angry.

"You killed her, you killed her while she was just, just tryin' to sleep, and that slime too, and, and that slug...oh Illias" he whimpered, before gathering up his determination. "You didn't have to, you coulda, coulda not!" he said in righteous anger as he struggled with his bind.

His righteousness was lessened when Cody rolled onto his back...slightly chuckling, no one knew why he was laughing, but he was.

"I know for a fact that slug has murdered countless people. She would come out, and the helpless little adventurers would try and fight, but they have no way of hurting her because of her slime. They died because they were nipped in the bud so to speak, killed. I am with all of my being sure, she had killed at least ten thousand people, at, least." he said with a bit of anger in his voice.

Luka's eyes widened, he had heard what she said, and actually seen her come out...did she do that? Had she killed that many people? "B-but what about the mandragora?" he asked, trying to grasp at whatever straws he could.

"She's probably been alive for quite some time, sure, she doesn't seek out people, but her scream has probably claimed many men, so a hundred. A hundred slow, agonizing deaths, I mean, you heard her right? Torture Luka, she was going to torture us." he said, speaking of her as if she was evil, and vile. Though he knew what he was doing, he was trying to manipulate him. Sneeki breeki style.

At this point Cody rose to feet and said "Funny thing about armor, Alice. It works, but sweet Illias that still fucking hurt."

"Would you like me to do it again?" she said in a sickeningly sweet tone.

"One should suffice."

"Of course it would, idiot." she said, going back to watching T corrupt a smol child.

Off screen, T has been whispering sweet nothings and hatred, he was convincing, that was for sure...though it wasn't hard when he was more or less right on all accounts.

Tears filled Luka's young(Old? How fucking old is he? 12? 18? Who fucking knows...) eyes. "I...I didn't," T offered a large leaf, to which Luka took and blew his nose into. T then dropped the mandragora leaf from the top of her head back down on her face. "K-know Monster Girls were like that...their, so, so…" he stopped and got a scary kinda anger on his face " _vile._ " he said, practically vomiting venom out of his mouth hole, but then T bopped him on the head and he looked up confused.

"Kiddo, never forget that not everyone is good, and not everyone is bad." T said, ruffling his hair "Not all monster girls are horrible murderers, just most, and knowing when one is the other is an important skill. If they don't attack, they don't deserve to die, if they do, well." he gestures to the mandragora, to which Luka solemnly nods.

"It won't always be black and white either," Cody added, still standing in a slightly strange position because God damn, that throw.

T quirked a brow at the fact Cody sounded several octaves higher.

It was then that T sighed "Anyways, sorry about that my friend," he said, lining himself up with the sun perfectly so he blocked Luka from it "I apologize about my treatment, but our associate here...well, she's less than agreeable about our cooking skills, and we needed a hero such as yourself to help us...but in the panic we, well, we did that. And I apologize. I will not hold you anymore, but if you would, I'd like to ask if a young and adept hero such as yourself, my friend Luka, to accompany us if you would." he said in a pleasant and gentle tone.

Secretly he was yet again, manipulating the mind of a smol child.

To Luka, young, naive Luka, he saw a true hero, the light making him a golden scion of justice, a merciful but stern warrior he'd want to follow and learn more from...Fucking rube.

All of that was a load of shit T spewed in order to keep him as a cook.

"Can we just get moving again? I wanna get to town before sunset, and I hope they have coffee," Cody said, interrupting the moment of righteousness.

T nodded as Luka suddenly spoke up "I, I will, I'll follow you Sir Knight!" Luka said, filled with determination (I'd make an undertale joke, but that goat has already sailed.)

T smiled and patted his head, smiling at the small (BETCHA DIDN'T EXPECT THAT CORRECT SPELLING BIYATCH.) child. "Good, I'll look forward to your companionship." he said, then looked towards Cody "Make sure to look for sand." he said, and they shared a look of understanding.

Meanwhile Alice just looked confused "What's cough-ee?" she said confused.

Cody then looked at her, his expression a look of pure terror.

TIME SKIP, AMAZING PAGE BREAK, MUCH WOW!

After filling their pockets not with their moms spaghetti, but with sand (Earning them a lot of 'What the fuck are you doings' from Alice, in y'know, Alice-ese.) they finally arrived at Illiasberg.

With a smile, T looked to Cody and spoke one sentence that they both understood.

"Time to meet best girl."


	5. Oh shit, we died

Ugh...fuck...what did I do last night? My fuckin' head...Ugh, lemme go get some pain killers...shit, only have tap, whatever...glug glug glug...alright that's a little better...huh? Why's the recorder light on...that's only on when I ne-

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck, I'm supposed to be narrating.

FUCK.

Alright alright, calm down, what happened last ti-oh my god I narrated when I was high.

Oh god that's so cringey, no stop, why an undertale reference? Fuck, no, stop, puns, agh…

Kill me…

A-anyways, back on our, uh, adventure! (Why am I doing this? I'm just an intern! Yeah, I know he tried to down a bottle of pills and is foaming out the mouth but can't we postpone til' he's better? What do you MEAN the deadline is today?! FUCK.)

Okay, we find our adventurers...behind a trio of conveniently placed trees...huh. Neat. Anyways, they were looking out from behind them at a scaled swordswoma-wait I was supposed to just say it was Granberia? What do you- okay okay, I don't want to get fired.

Anyways, they saw Granberia…'Talking shit to some faggot ass soldiers?' What? Whatever, the trio was chatting about what to do about the problem.

"Alright, Luka, here's my crossbow, you aim that pointy thing and people then pull the trigger, then-" T then went on to explain how to reload a crossbow in detail. "-anyways, lay down support fire on Granberia while I fight, aim for the face because you might get her in the eyes." he nodded understandingly.

"Cody, open with a shot, then help me fight her mano e manos, be careful you're a lot less armored than me so just try and distract her and score blows when she's open. When I say, use the secret weapon." T said, softly clapping his hands "Break, now let's go kick best girl's ass!" he said, pumping his fist.

"I don't think we can take her in combat, diplomacy seems to be the best option here. Though, how to speak to a dragon is beyond me," Cody explained, raising his crossbow to his chest, "If all goes well, we shouldn't need to fight, but if we do, fight dirty and it's been an honor."

T chuckled "We wouldn't be heroes if we didn't at least _try_ and defeat her. Plus, haven't you heard the rumours? Granberia is pretty notorious about not exactly being a talker, and more being a person who beats the fuck outta people for trying." he said, shaking his head.

"Heroes? I never claimed to be a hero, nor should you. We're scrawny teens, T. But, we can't let her walk over this town."

T then shrugged "So we fight, plus, I think I remember Granberia is stopped by Alice for some reason or another, so we can bank on that." he said, assured he'd be okay. Well, he didn't see the chapter title, so I guess he doesn't know what's coming for him.

"Alright, when she's distracted by my bolt, aim for her throat or face. If you do manage to damage her Pardo-level skin, it'll be better if it's her throat," Cody felt a bit of guilt surge through him, not from the awful Pardo joke, actually, it was the Pardo joke. Nevermind. Kinda sucks that he's gonna hurt best wife though. If you couldn't already tell, they're pretty big Granberia fans.

He nodded "Alright, on three, one, two, three!" he said, then swerved around the tree and drew his bastard sword, his boots clopping against the stone as he charged, Granberia, possessing functioning ears, heard this and turned around to see another warrior attacking, maybe this one would be str-

"Now!" T called out as a twin set of bolts, one missing entirely, the other actually went at her chest, to which she deflected easily, and blocked the following diagonal slash T threw out at her. Why was he wielding his sword one handed? Maybe that's all he needed to wield it.

"Nice to meet you, I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine." he said sweetly, Granberia was suitably confused until suddenly his hand raised, in basically slow motion to her really, was he going for a punch? She raised her hand to catch the amateurish uppercut...was th-

It was then that Granberia roared in pain and agitation as sand was thrown into her giant anime eyes.

"FUCK." She yelled out as she back stepped, not expecting such a dirty tactic. That ba-

"DEMONIC DECAPITATION!" she heard, huh? Where'd he learn that technique? No matter, even blinded as she was she could blo-

It was then that the weak swing slammed into the top of her head, then T knee'd her in the face.

T took complete advantage of Granberia's...well, 'trusting' nature. She trusted he wouldn't do dirty tactics, she was wrong. She trusted that when he obviously screamed a technique, that he was using it. Naive I guess would be a better word?

At this point, Cody was upon the duo, sword in hand and crossbow in the other, why? Well, Cody didn't think about that until he reached the two, but opted to bludgeon Granberia with it. About in the same spot T hit her with the sword. Followed by an, in theory, well aimed face strike with his sword.

Fool Granberia once, shame on you, fool her twice, shame on her.

And Granberia wasn't one to have shame.

She roared angrily and head butted the crossbow, shattering it into splinters, then caught his sword with her teeth and crushed it in half.

"DIE." She said in a berserker rage, her fist flying at unseeable speeds...suddenly Cody was imbedded in a stone wall, the chainmail did nothing to protect him...blood oozed from him as he fell out. Turns out Chainmail isn't exactly good against angry dragon fists.

Who knew?

T stared, not comprehending for a moment that his friend was irrevocably dead as fuck. Luka was caught in a similar state of 'huh?' as he stared, until Granberia turned towards T, to which he finally let loose his second crossbow bolt in hopes that it'd hit her, but she just caught it without even looking...fuck.

T shakily raised his sword to defend himself, Granberia's sword was red hot, and he felt like he was melting in his armor from the heat…

She swung, and T stood there for a moment.

"I...I didn't die?" he asked.

He then had a red hot line appear on his body, and he fell, cut cleanly in half.

The last thing he saw was Alice reaching out to stop Granberia, and Luka's horrified face.

WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY DEAD?

Si-sir, that's what the si-situation would end up as. Their dirty fighting would lead to her getting enraged, and actually trying to k-

IT'S A FUCKING SEMI-SERIOUS CRACK FIC, THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE HORRIBLY, THAT'S WAY TOO SERIOUS.

Si-sir, please, c-calm-

I AM CALM.

R-right…

 _Anyways motherfucker,_ now we're left with a self insert, WITHOUT THE SELF INSERTS. Now what? Shits gonna get boring without those fucking nerds!

S-sir, couldn't we just, uh, insert the save location mechan-

THAT'D RUIN THE SUSPENSE YOU TWAT. The story would go from two underpowered jokes, figuring out insane and stupid ways to beat things! Not to make them ultimate killing machines since they can just safely grind everything without having to worry about dying!

FUCK IT. Just, FUCK IT.

We're going back, they're gonna have their memories, and hopefully you don't FUCK UP AGAIN.

Fucking interns.


	6. Chapter 5 point 5

Authors note: Was this soon enough?

Chapter 5.5: HOLY FUCK WE SERIOUSLY DIED. (Addendum: No, no they didn't shut up.)

WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY DEAD?

Si-sir, that's what the si-situation would end up as. Their dirty fighting would lead to her getting enraged, and actually trying to k-

IT'S A FUCKING SEMI-SERIOUS CRACK FIC, THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE HORRIBLY, THAT'S WAY TOO SERIOUS.

Si-sir, please, c-calm-

I AM CALM.

R-right…

Anyways motherfucker, now we're left with a self insert, WITHOUT THE SELF INSERTS. Now what? Shits gonna get boring without those fucking nerds!

S-sir, couldn't we just, uh, insert the save location mechan-

THAT'D RUIN THE SUSPENSE YOU TWAT. The story would go from two underpowered jokes, figuring out insane and stupid ways to beat things! Not to make them ultimate killing machines since they can just safely grind everything without having to worry about dying!

FUCK IT. Just, FUCK IT.

We're going back, they're gonna have their memories, and hopefully you don't FUCK UP AGAIN.

Fucking interns.

-

MEANWHILE, AT THE SAME MOMENT THAT STUPID FUCKING RETARD WAS BEING YELLED AT.

The dynamic duo were writhing around because of the phantom pain, grunting and making weird noises for a bit before finally working through it and getting up to look around.

"Oh fuck Illias is here." T said eloquently.

And Oh fuck Illias is here, the narrator narrated eloquently for comedic effect.

Indeed, the rather good looking goddess was looking at them with a look that said 'You fuckin' serious m8?'.

Cody stayed silent, having no way of knowing how to speak to a goddess.

T thanked whatever deity decided to make Cody not say anything, because he was absolutely sure he couldn't save the retard from crazy bitch Illias.

"So." Illias said, quirking a brow, not exactly sure how to deal with the dynamic duo.

"So." T replied eloquently, solving the awkward situation instantly.

If only it was so easy.

Idiot.

"What am I supposed to do with you two?" she said, looking between them, unsure of how to feel about the unbaptized monster-'well, only one of them had killed monster girls, and man, the way that plant bitch got killed, mmm.' Illias thought to herself, but kept her satisfaction of recalling the purging from showing.

"Uhm, well, just kinda let us loiter here for killing monster girls?" T said, getting up and dusting cloud off his ass.

'Man, never thought I'd be doin' this shit.' T thought to himself, overall kinda done with the situation.

Cody stood up at this point and looked around at the cloudy-type place semi-confused, "are we dead or…"

"Dude we got fuckin' slaughtered. I'm pretty sure we were pasted." T said, looking back at him "Its kinda why we were writhing around on the ground for like 5 minutes." he said, his face declaring 'you fuk'n cheeki breeki'

"Well, my life flashed in front of my eyes and in a short span of less than a second I decided I needed to get out more," Cody said in reply to their consciousness.

"I didn't even have the time too, I was more thinking 'Yeah I'm actually not lo-' and then I'm here." T said right back.

"I won't confirm or deny that she burnt your corpses to ashes." Illias said in that false sweet tone, with her 'I give this smile to millions' smile.

"So…" T turns back back "Would it be fine if we, uh, hung out in your afterlife? And, I dunno, uh...well, now that I think about it couldn't we technically walk out of here?" T wondered aloud.

"No actually, wouldn't there be an absolute shit ton of angels that kick out shit in...and without coming back after?" Cody suggested, "just as guess."

"Wouldn't we just end up in infinite rape time with a venus fly-oh fuck." T tried to reply, then got a shiver down his back.

"How do you, outsiders to my realm, know about one of my angels?" she asked, killing intent oozing off of her. She could breath hard and kill them with the wind forces, this was dangerous.

T weighed the scales of truth and lying through his fucking teeth. Well, he had no idea how well Illias is at detecting bullshit, and she's lived for all time(?), so he chose the probable wiser option: Explaining for realsies.

"Well, um, uh, you uh, see, um, ah, well, uh...do you want the long version or the short version?" T asked, then sighed after he realized what Cody just said. "God fuckin' dammit Cody…" he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"We were eating lunch one day and got sucked up into a portal and now we're in this mess?" Cody said almost before T had finished his stuttering, "look, I know that's hard to believe…"

"That sounds so much like bullshit you dumbshit! Even if it's the truth!" he yelled at Cody "Do you WANT her to kill us? FUCK!" T said, throwing his hands in the air.

Meanwhile with Illias…

She was just really fuckin' confused, here comes two mediocre young lads (Outside of that ones bloodthirstiness for monstergirls, man did she enjoy that dirt into that lizard bitches eyes.) from nowhere, who declared 'a portal randomly appeared and we ended up here.'.

Safe to say, due to the murder, and the fact these two mortals were as easy to read as a store sign. They felt they were telling the truth, which was...confusing. That or they were amazing at lying, but there's no way they'd be able to get a lie past the GREAT ILLIAS!.

The next few moments are her fantasizing.

About herself.

*Cough* Illias-burg-village-fucking continent. *Cough*.

But she was totes modest and humble.

Totes.

BACK WITH THE FAGGOTS, Who didn't have boobs to look at whilst their being losers to lessen the impact of them being losers.

"So, uh, well...We come from...Uhm...Fuck it I'm not gonna dance around it." T said, sighing "Let it be known that if we die...I blame Luka." he said, nodding.

Cody agreed.

"We're transdimensional travellers, either being taken here through some cosmic accident where space time was ripped open, or on purpose, in the case of a random omnipotent being deciding that it'd be interesting to throw us here." T chose to omit the fact that the ROB might have been them in another dimension inadvertently causing this.

"Within our universe we have a sort of interactive book called 'Monster Girl Quest', a...well, pornographic type thing following the adventures of a hero through this world, and at some point he ends up in heaven, and meets...whatever her name was mc venus fly trap mc fuck she's gross." He summarized, before walking over, and suddenly going behind Cody and grabbing his waist.

"T are you trying to ra-" and then his head slammed into the ground as T suplexed him.

He was instantly knocked out.

T got up and dust himself off "Well, that's one thing off my bucket list. Now I can die peacefully."

Illias thought to herself, pausing in her thoughts about the tale, to think 'Mortals are odd.' then went back to debating whether or not she should murder them.

T stared anxiously, nervously moving closer.

Illias nodded, coming to a conclusion, eyes closed.

"You're either lying, or insane. So yo-" it was then that her eyes ripped open.

Something unexpected had happened.

He'd grabbed her breast.

"Two things off my bucket list." She was blushing, caught on the back foot.

He then leaned in… this suicidal motherfucker motorboats her.

What a whack job.

"Wha?" she says eloquently, as a serious person does when slammed with absurdity.

She, the ultimate goddess. She, the supreme overlord of man. She, the immortal goddess.

Had just had been sexually molested.

What?

She'd, without prompting, just been groped, and...whatever that other thing was.

By a mortal.

It was then that her mind decided to try and reboot.

Oh fuck, a virus:

T had a serene smile, his eyes closed, waiting.

She reached over to him to throttle him.

And then the world changed.

"Wha?" Cody said, suddenly conscious, standing, and staring at the forest...what? Wasn't he just dead? And he guessed knocked out?

He looked over, and saw T with a serene smile on his face, his eyes closed, hand outstretched conforming to something.

Luka looked confused as fuck, blushing, and filled with shock.

And Alice's eyes were wide open.

And finally, T's hand as currently grabbing mount purple snek.

"Huh? Why are there bird noises? Heaven was a lot qui-" T opened his eyes, staring into Alice's. "Huh." he said, looking down "Huh." he said staring at his chest, then he looked up "Huh. Did Luka slip hallucinogenic mushrooms into my food last night?" He wondered out loud, unconsciously kneading the boobie.

In his hands defense, it was pretty good boobie.

Cody still stood, dumbfounded, "What...what the fuck?" he questioned, "I thought...we...fuck it!" he sat up against a nearby tree and ran his hands through his hair trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

Alice's eyes became half lidded "Hora hora…"


	7. Return of the Hora Horas

**Chapter 6 - The Sequel (Return of the Hora Hora's)**

"Damn this place is swank...glad I have that heroes discount." T said, then paused "Cody?"

"Yeah?" Cody said

"Do we have any money?"

"Of cour-...did we? I, I don't think we stole money from the shops...was there even money in the shops?" Cody wondered to himself.

"Um...Oh, Luka's cash! Yeah that, where is that?" T said.

They then spent several minutes rooting through every inch of their bags, including the ones formerly covered in bags, but now was currently carrying them normally, looking like fucking idiots squatting right in front of the inn's door.

They finally found a single bag of gold marked 'Luka'.

"Nice, lets all just get two rooms I guess, I think they'd have double beds right? Like a Hotel Cody?" T said, looking to Cody.

Cody shrugged, "It's not that big of a deal if we have to share a king sized bed, to be honest. Judging on how tiny I am we probably wouldn't notice each other too much. And...Luka's sharing with the snake."

"Cody, couldn't we all three ju-"

"No." Alice said.

"Alright then, I guess Lu-"

"No."

"Fuck. Well, uh, I guess I'll share a room? Don't see why not."

"That's fine." Alice said, nodding.

Suddenly, thunder struck in a menacing manner on this cloudless day.

"The shit?" T said, looking back, then shook his head "Whatever."

"Fuck all of you, I'm not sharing with Luka," Cody said.

"Cody, just because you have problems with his…" T just waved his hand in a circle "Luka still is a nice boy, just a nice kid who, well, isn't perfect." T said

"He probably wets the bed...I mean we've seen him shit himself before."

"Cody, we almost shit ourselves, I'm pretty sure the only reason why was that we weren't unconscious." T said, leveling a glare, his frugality causing him to get miffed.

"Ugh, fine."

Ignored was the glare Luka was giving Cody.

Thus, the team went inside.

"Ah, hello, miss?"

Insert stock 'wow you did it, you duh hero, here's your discount.' spiel.

"Awesome, two rooms please." T said, almost drowned out by the menacing thunderclap. T and Cody didn't react, signing it off as pointless anime bullshit with no meaning.

"Huh, wasn't there no clouds? Is it raining outside or something?" The inn manager asked.

"Not a cloud in the sky." T said

"Odd." she said, handing him and Cody the keys.

"Thank you!" T said, leaving with the Team to find their rooms, they were right in front of each other, at opposite walls. "So, Cody, take the magic books and start learnin', try and bond n' shit or something." T said, inserting his key into his door.

"Alright, seeya." Cody said, doing the same as the duo separated.

Cody walked into the room and plopped his shit onto the floor, it made a loud as fuck thump that probably disturbed the neighbors...and every floor below him to an extent. Luka came into the room and started to fiddle with the bags attached to his body in various places on his back. Cody walked up and started assisting Luka in his epic quest to drop the weight of eleven hippos off of his body and onto the floor also making a thump and if the first plop wasn't enough to disrupt the ecosystem of the inn the second definitely was.

Cody laid out all of the magic books onto the bed and tried to find the simplest book out of the bunch, which was the book titled 'Ye olde basic blasts for basic bitches for dummies 101'. The title was enough to give Cody a bit of a chuckle and for Cody a bit of a chuckle was at least ten seconds of idiotic laughing. Luka stared at him confused, it was just a basic title after all.

Eventually, Cody stopped his fit of chuckling and cracked open the big ol book o magic. He just opened it to a random page towards the middle. 90% of the text was covered in a thick layer of dust that cast itself into the air straight into Cody's face when he opened it.

"Alright, I got some studying n shit to do, so unless you wanna learn this too keep quiet please, yo," Cody said and started to read into the introductory text. It was going to be a long grind until he got to be any trace of competent at magic. Or so he thought, perhaps the RPG leveling system had made it much easier for him to tap into his potential...or he was really just that smart. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT. Yeah, it was the levels. It was a matter of thinking in a certain way and following simple instructions, Cody assumed that magic was just something you would have to be born with the potential to do or level into it.

It was something similar to a coding language, and Cody had a small amount of coding experience. The book explained the body as essentially an operating system it is possible to write code for, but it did so in a very poetic and ye olde way. It was also possible to send a signal of code into the universe for an effect, albeit limited by certain factors. Those being signal strength, the properties of energy and the fact that you'd essentially have to write a virus under certain circumstances.

Upon focusing his energy, Cody managed to make a small cut appear on the tip of his finger. He moved onto other things such as moving a candle's fire to his finger, making foods taste differently and changing the friction of the floor to fuck with those that walk by in the future.

Cody neared the end of the first chapter when he sooned realized that practicing magic is definitely and outdoor activity. It was the excuse he needed to get the fuck out of the same room Luka was in, for one Cody just found Luka to be incredibly irritating to be around. There is no two. He packed up his book and spent a good chunk of the night outside in the marketplace trying out different effects and codes. He found that problems in his operations were translated to blacking out for several seconds...minutes? He wasn't quite sure. But at one point he was mistaken for a bum and told about a medieval homeless shelter. That being the church.

"Wow, ritzy." T said partly to himself, partly to fill the silence.

If he was to be honest to himself, he wasn't sure what to make of Alice. He knew of her at the end, but the beginning where she was a heavy pessimist? He wasn't sure what to think.

The biggest reason being: He had no idea how she'd act towards him.

Alice, canonically, only had interacted closely to one male, Luka. And that was a pseudo romantic weird _thing_.

But what about a guy who isn't a nameless shit peasant, or someone she overly dislikes for being a hypocrite/asshole?

So T was left having no idea what to do as she curled up on the bed and lazed about, slothily consuming Ama Ama Dango after T's recommendation that she savor the food instead of eating it quickly, that way she got to really enjoy it. She smiled a bit at that little bit of pointless mindfulness.

And thus he was standing there, watching for a moment as she ate the food, though after a moment once she wasn't in food bliss she started doing something that caused him to look away.

Her eyes had flickered over, noticing him watching her idly, and begun...well, putting her snake tongue to good use, and her teeth in less use.

T had no plans to entertain the idea she'd do stuff with him, and looked away, as well, he had no plan to cuck with an F the snake cloaca, but well, she had a human half. Yeah, he was that kinda weirdo, sue him. The cute giggle that rang out noted to him that he was being teased. Well, hopefully it was an innocent fun and games giggle, and not a 'I'ma make your life hell with this' kinda mischievous giggle

And then there came his libido, smashing into him. It was a fact of life that he had to deal with a lot, 4-8 times a day in fact, so the sight after a few days of constant _nothing_ was getting to him, and there was no end in sight, so he conjured up the most boner destroying thoughts he had.

The knowledge of death, and the rather gruesome things he'd done to those monster girls.

It didn't dig on him as much as he thought it would, but that's partly because he was so good at rationalizing everything he'd done, and so he started to blossom anger.

A deep, blazing rage that burned in him rarely, but what surprised him was that it stayed.

He won't lie, he had a raging, blazing temper once flared. A burning angry rage that burst from the seams at a split second, but he'd always been good about getting rid of it quickly, but now?

He felt this wasn't gonna simply go _that easily_ so he sighed, and started walking towards the make-up desk thing you always saw in victorian era movies and shit. The one with the little circle mirror thing, and he stopped three feet from it.

"Hmm?" Alice said, interested in what he was doing, probably because she'd never really seen a human in such close proximity in such a rest scenario, or at least, that's what he guessed.

Nonetheless his body burned with unspent energy, the uphill battle/slaughter apparently didn't tire him out...or the levels just made him feel completely fine in spite of it all. Probably the latter.

So, he did the only thing that made sense in this crazy situation. Practice.

His fists squared up, pressed lightly against his cheeks in a guard to protect his chin, his feet moving where the left pointed forwards, and the right pointed away and forwards in a diagonal fashion, and he began training.

He started with a set he'd learned from his dad, ten jabs, ten straights, ten of a jab-jab-straight combination, and he attempted to pantomime a body blow hook but found it lacking to do so, but it appeared that he did it _pretty_ well. Must be the levels, since he'd had problems with that before.

He stopped, and examined how he felt...and it was kind of out of body in terms of how it felt. His conscious mind was confused intensely, along with his subconscious muscle memory, due to his body's intense outstretching of his previous physical skills.

He lifted up his tunic shirt a bit to look at his, well, frankly thin stomach. He wasn't a muscleman yet, nor did he even seem athletic, just...smidge muscley or whatever. Still had stretch marks though.

He sighed, and knew he should probably try to exercise, and got to it.

Jabs, straights, hooks, uppercuts, kicks he was never able to do before, his body flowed violently as he stood in place, adjusting every mistake until it was satisfactory, and going at it over and over and over again. Fists flying, kicks swinging, elbows slicing, knees smashing, he put his all into it.

Some time later he collapsed onto his knees, panting. He'd never worked this hard, but he felt a small bit of happiness bloom. He'd make sure this new form was well earnt, and that he'd be able to fight to, well, do the right thing. Protect Cody, save the world, and have fun maybe along the way. He briefly contemplated if this was the levels, and shrugged, levels or not, it was doing something good for him.

He got up after a while, looking back to see Alice curiously looking at him, half finished dango waving lazily in her hand, it was when she saw him staring for a moment confused that she spoke up.

"Curious, I've never seen such a style. The strikes seem so...simple, but efficient. Though your kicks were rather come and go, like you're unused to it. And using your elbows and knees...I've rarely seen those used, partly because most humans don't journey over to my territory." She spoke, taking another bite of her dango afterwards. "Also, I could tell you are very much an amatuer, in spite of my compliments, your form is terrible and you're full of openings." she added

"Just something I learned from my dad a bit, along with reading. I've always kinda admired guys who fight with their fists, there's just something so much more...impressive, y'know, about beating an enemy with pure physical prowess, making use of man's body and mind." T said, reverently. He liked the idea of it all, martial arts and such, not that he hated swords or boards, just that fist fighting would always hold a special place in his heart.

"Though, yeah, I'm not exactly a master at hand to hand combat, as you can see." he added, rubbing the back of his head as a nervous tick

"Interesting. What is this style called, if it even has a name?" She questioned curiously

"MMA, I guess? Mixed martial arts is the full name, but I mostly used boxing and a bit of things I picked up from books. It a general title for a combination of various forms of martial arts, it can refer to two or more style mixed together to form a better whole. It's overall pretty good, though I like the idea of the one style warrior, I will admit MMA is more practical." T said with a smile, walking over and plopping down on an open corner of the bed, and he felt Alice fidget, he looked back over after he sat down and saw her cheeks being colored oddly. Why were they red? Was she embarrassed or something? Odd. Probably just enjoying the dango too much.

"Hmm. Impressive, that is, for a human." She said in the usual snooty 'Har har I'ma demon lord' fashion she usually used to Luka at the start. Guess she just used it generally for any human she was sorta not hating.

"Well, hopefully I can surprise you some more with what a human can do." T said, grinning earnestly, proud, and also digging the whole 'Roleplaying as a cooler guy than he really is' thing.

"Mmm. It appears I'm out." She groused, looking down at her plate.

Things went as normal, the mention of the side-quest of Happiness village, blah blah, no more dangos.

This was where T was heavily unsure of what was going to happen, but he mentally shrugged, he wasn't Luka, he was just some shit head human.

"Hmm, I'm hungry again." She said, closing her eyes in contemplation after transforming back again.

"Oh? I can ask her to bring in some more food so you don't have to transform again." T said, standing up and stretching "Though, I'd have to ask for payment for my errand boy tendencies." he said, grinning back at her.

"Hora hora, I didn't think you'd be so forward." she said teasingly, to which I just chuckled

"I mean something other than physical compensation," she looked at me weirdly, I think it was in annoyance? Odd. "I was thinking in more, well, knowledge. I imagine you know how to use weapons and stuff right? And if you know how to use weapons, you know how to teach that. You can see where I'm going right?" T said

"I suppose I could, it'd be no consequence to me...though, you seem to know what Demon Decapitation is already. Learn that from your books too?" she said slightly suspiciously

T simply chuckled "Yeah, though, DD isn't exactly hard to do. It's just a horizontal slice at the neck with a lotta force, sure, there might be intricacies, but overall it's just a fancy name for a simple attack." T groused.

"Oh, so you're a swordsman who's too good for a notable monster technique, well then, I guess I don't have to teach you anything." She said with a smirk

"Whoa no no no, nothing about that, don't go that far. I need training, bad." T said, waving his hands placatingly around.

She simply giggled, and T sighed, turning and walking towards the door before stopping, turning around, and walking back to grab his tunic to slip on "So, deal?" T asked, looking back once he put his arms and head through the appropriate holes

"Deal." She said simply

He left with a smile. It looked like things were really looking up.

He came back, knocking on the door lightly "I'm back, she's getting on to cooking a feast for yah." T said before slotting the key in and popping inside, and saw Alice half off the bed in what amounted to as close approximation of sitting a half snake could.

"So, would you like to begin now? Or did walking downstairs tucker you out?" she asked a bit teasingly.

"Oh, now? Sure." T replied, a bit excited as he went to the corner where his stuff was and popped out his bastard sword, though it didn't speak to him like holding a baseball bat did, it was what he'd picked out. Dark souls was the cause, and so he kept with it.

It was pleasant, really, learning from Alice. That may and part have been because of the fact he'd found her rude, scathing remarks about him being absolute shit with a sword to be funny. But it overall was nice...outside of the 'hands on' moments.

She occasionally pressed herself up against him, which, as you can guess, left him focusing heavily on things that made him mad, or naked old people.

So aside from him hyper focusing on everything _other_ than what was pressed onto him.

Afterwards he was getting tired from all the working out and training he'd done, and once the food arrived, he ate slowly and surely, taking the corning of health foods he'd ordered for himself alongside the feast for like, twenty people he'd ordered. The owner had been heavily surprised at this, but shrugged once he told her to bill it to the church.

And so they ate.

"You seem unsuited for being a hero." Alice said suddenly, to which T blinked in reply

"Uh, how so?" T asked, quirking a brow hard, though inside he was a little panicked, 'little' because his mind reasoned away many reasons why Alice turning around and slaughtering him wouldn't happen.

"Before your clever debacle you were physically inept, basically untrained in any form of fighting, you are incredibly brutal for one claiming of trying to become a 'true hero' as you call it, and you're unbaptised. Essentially, you're like an inept barbarian. What with robbing Illias village and you're dirty fighting style against Granberia." she listed out, which visibly dug into him

He sighed heavily in response

 **-[HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, long shitty info dump incoming, skip if it's too long didn't read, I'll bold this and the point where we get back to the plot ( Bold if Cody's not lazy)]-**

"I, guess I'll tell you about why all of that is the way it is. I've had that habit, er, quirk? Since forever. I don't like leaving things unexplained, I don't mean it as justify, or say, change someones opinion, I just want them to form their opinion from a whole picture y'know? It's always kinda bugged me, people looking at a label, rather than at the person." I said idly, paying intense attention to his food.

"So uh, physically inept, untrained, and unbaptised...I won't lie, that little bit about me being the more physical minded, while Cody was the more read, was a load of shit. But I guess you probably figured that out, eh? Not like we'd pull one over the monster lord." T chuckled

"So uh, I guess I'll tell you about, well, me? And my home I guess. My home is on a faraway island, a place that, with all due frankness, is in the middle of nowhere, and is hidden from everyone outside. Just a buncha humans living their lives in peace, surrounded by mountains. Our trade wasn't anything specific, but I will say we were we were excellent textile workers. That hoodie is about the only thing I have left from there...and it's called a 'hoodie' because of the hood. No need to overcomplicate it, y'know?"

"Anyways, peace. I'd never even seen a fight before honestly, in person that is. But I'd read about them. Honestly, out of the two of us, I think I might be the wiser, maybe even smarter of us, but I think Cody can damn well do the booksmart stuff while I get good enough at fighting to survive. Anyways, I read, a lot, about adventures and the world. I learned of the good and the bad, the best and the worst of people, I read, and read, of countless good and bad decisions. But there was one thing that really got me…"

"The knowledge from the outside world, and what it was like before, and after the great tear between humanity and monsters. The death, the battles, the horrors of heroism, I know a lot about the real world from these stories. Our town was intensely interested in current events, so we send out covert, I guess, 'Spies' though 'News boys' would be a better term, to check out the world and come back to descriptions of it. It's how I knew about the Ama Ama Dango in fact." T smiled a bit, then frowned heavily.

"But...well, I'd always been a bit of a bleeding heart, guess my parents raised me well, but nonetheless, what struck me were the descriptions of monster girls, and the fights they engaged in. Both ones where they win, and ones where they lose, and ones where they didn't even _want_ to fight in the first place. I came to understand that the world...the world is fucked up Alice. It'd fucked up seemingly beyond repair…" he sighed

"And eventually...it got to me. I was sick of it, sick of knowing I was sitting there, being useless as people were dying, and so I convinced my best friend Cody to come with me on some hairbrained, foolish quest...I think the only reason he came along was because he also knew what happened out there. And so, after some sneaking around, we'd ended up on the mainland in Illias village since we didn't know where the hell we were going, not a penny to our name, and well, the rest is history." T shrugged "I was a kinda bookworm I guess before it all changed, and I, well, as you saw got to where I was…" he said uncomfortably "Hell, before the slime, I'd never hit anyone _ever_ so I was surprised I could unleash so much, well, stress into something." T sighed

"I won't lie, I haven't exactly held up to my lofty ideals, I've never been idealistic, but...I guess I decided something…" T looked up into Alice's eyes

"And what was that?" Alice asked, interested extremely.

"The world needs Idealists goals. They need stupid people putting their lives into selfless things. The world isn't gonna get better if everyone is too scared to even _try._ So, I'll become that fool that tries to be an Idealist. I'll spout stupid shit and cry to the heavens about Justice, if it means making the world better, if it means making myself a shard of hope in an ocean of hate and death, even if it consumes me…"

"If I can inspire one person to believe, then I'll be happy. I'll be happy that I touched one person's soul, made a person have hope in a better future." T smiled sadly before sighing

"And, well, I've been seemingly a bit one sided in my heroism I will admit." He rubbed the back of his neck, looking away "It's just, I'm not stupid. I know Monster girls aren't Monsters. No one is truly a monster, and that's partly because I met you Alice. You're...you're a person Alice. The stories, the underlying thing, was I wasn't sure if monster girls were, well, monsters. Were the stories skewed? What with the slime I wasn't sure...but then I met you. You're a living, breathing person. A sentient 'People' so to speak." T looked back, a fire in his eyes "You aren't some sex crazed creature that seeks to do nothing but ruin lives. You're a girl with likes and dislikes, history, a life. And because of that, I know that monster girls aren't monsters. They're just byproducts of a fucked up world." T then looked down sadly "But...I will say it doesn't weigh on me the lives I've taken. I'm good at rationalizing, but, well, I had to deem them out of my power. I won't say I'm justice, or some other crazy thing of that sort, that I'm the law and all that. I honestly don't deserve the power to take lives…" T looked at his hands "But…" he clenched them into fists "I'm not gonna sit around while bad people do bad things. I'm a good read of character, and I know the psychology of them. They speak in violence, in power...power I don't have. I had to end them. It's cold, I know, to decide a lives worth, but I knew they'd kill, and kill, and kill. They'd ruin countless families lives, widowing wives, or leaving kids orphaned. Maybe they'd killed kids at some point so they'd be able to enjoy the father, maybe they made them cattle...and I know there's a lot of maybes, but nonetheless there was no way they'd only grabbed single men…" T sighed

"So, I did what I could. I'm no warrior, so I had to be brutal, it's the only way I could win. I can't throw a knockout punch, and I'm not strong enough to fight for probably more than a minute...so, simply enough, I'm too weak." T looked at his hands as they fell limp, then he grit his teeth and looked up "So I want to get stronger, so I can defeat them without killing them, I want to get better, so I can guide them, I want to get braver, so I can face them earnestly, I want to become, I, I want to become a true hero!" At the end, T didn't realize he'd been speaking up louder and louder, to the point of yelling, and he wasn't sure when he'd looked to the sky, or when he'd started talking to himself, but nonetheless he deflated afterwards, now emotionally tired.

 **[FUCKING STAHP, anyways, back to the juicy bits.]**

Mainly because he was fucking lying about everything and the stress of doing this, well, not lying about everything. There is fire where there is smoke so to speak.

"So...simply enough, I'm a stupid kid who wants to be a hero cause my heart bleeds too much, and is trying his hardest to get strong enough where he doesn't need to kill people. I understand it's stupid and selfish somewhat, the idea of Idealism is stupid, but that doesn't mean this fucked up world doesn't need some stupid idiot to at least try and fix it." T said, his false soul coming out a bit at this. He just wanted to help, and this was less telling Alice, and more him telling himself, hardening his resolve.

And by the end of it, he knew what he was going to do. Probably.

It was then followed by him blinking "Jesus, sorry about that-" he said, chuckling "-didn't mean to drag you into some random big speech that was pretty much to myself, heh. My bad." his cheeks reddened, betraying his embarrassment.

Damn you anime and you're really obvious visual cue's.

Anyways, Alice was fucking baffled, kinda like a certain goddess, at the shit he just spewed.

But you see Alice was not a paranoid fucking insane woman.

So she didn't realize, due to just how fucking much he spoke, that he was bullshitting alot, so yeah.

She believed him (cough, dues ex machina, cough).

"Mmm." she hummed thoughtfully

"Hey...T, was it?" she said coyly

"Yeah?" said the dense motherfucker.

"I'm still hungry." she said with a cruel smirk

000000whst even is a liner brajlrke-000000

"T, why the fuck did you just jump out the window?" Cody asked, staring at the T who landed mostly on his face.

"FUCK, rape, NO, lesgo Cody!" he screamed as he tore his face out of the face shaped hole in the ground he'd made, grabbing him and dragging him as he fucking ran

"MY FUCKING EYYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" screamed a vaguely, as in, exactly the same as voice of Alice

Pocket sand.

-Roll credits. Also, homeless shelter-

"Cody, hey Cody." T said as he shook Cody like he was a fucking narcoleptic hard sleeper.

"What? What the fuck?" Cody replied after he was woke up.

"Cody we need to get our shit from the hotel, and I'm not going alone. Also the pope- I mean the priest is kicking us the fuck out." he said, gesturing to the unimportant priest dude.

AND SO our daring crusaders journeyed out into the monster lords castle, and by castle, I mean the nice ass hotel that we avoided because T panicked and sanded Alice in the fucking eyes.

The hero of Illias-burg, sleeping in a homeless shelter.

More at eleven.

-LINE BREAKS, BREAK LIVES-

"Alright, so uh, who's idea was this?" T asked on top of the tall fucking hotel.

Hanging off a window.

To Cody's room.

Cody opened the window, because he walked into his room through the hotel like a sane human who didn't throw sand into the eyes of a monster woman.

"Alright, part one down." he said, crawling in "So uh, Cody, get your sh-"

"Where's Luka?" Cody questioned as he popped his armor back on.

"Huh?" he asked, looking around then was about to speak up when the door opened to reveal…

Luka!

Fucker looked dead tired, like he was about to drop dead, literally, then saw the duo and blinked, looked immensely relieved, ran over, and hugged them uncomfortably

"Uh, Luka, while hugs are nice, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be arrested, please, stop." T said worriedly as Luka ignored his sand throwin' ass to hug that bitch some more.

Cody shoved him off unceremoniously. He fell onto the ground like a sack of potatoes, I'm sure we haven't used that comparison before, "fuicking...levels man," Cody commented.

"I…I...WAAAAAHHH" Yep.

He was crying.

"I, I was so worried, that, that you guys...that you guys got, got hurt, or, or kidnapped, or...WAAAAAHHH" Oh fuck it was straight up sobbing.

"Way to push the kid over Cody." T said, throwing Cody under the bus, while also inching towards the door to fucking leave.

"Luka, you're old enough to be a hero," Cody reminded, then the universe he was in clicked into his head. Being a hero means jack shit.

"B-but...I'm...WAAAAAHHHH, I'm NOT A HERO, I NEVER GO BAAAAA" and then he just gross sob mumbled.

T got closer, and closer to the door, he reached for the knob slowly. Then Alice busted into the room.

"FOR FUCK SAKES I'M TRY-" then she saw T, and instantly grabbed his hand

Why?

Because he went for the sand instantly.

"Uh, can I get a boneless ama ama dango?"

"What?" she asked "How can those even be bon-" then T slammed his forehead into her nose.

Now ya see kids, T is still a weak bitch.

"OW FUCK MY FACE!" T yelled, having hurt his nose on her chin because he fucked up the headbutt, and well, it didn't even hurt her. At all.

"T, you will _answer_ for-"

"MY FUCKING FACE, JESUS, DID I BREAK MY NOSE?!" T screamed over her, incoherent was her words because of it.

Cody would've laughed at this situation if Alice didn't have an unrelenting gaze of impending doom, so he took a step back to find himself slip on the frictionless area of the floor he made.

"OH JESUS, IS MY NOSE BLEEDING? GET THE TISSUES! FU-" then he was bitchslapped by Alice.

Alice dropped T to the ground, slithered over, bitchslapped Luka, then bitch slapped Cody, before going back to T and picking him up, only to bitchslap him back to the ground.

"Touche, good counter argument, I have been defeated in this verbal duel." T replied as he got up to his face and dusted himself off.

Luka was asleep. Just...Asleep. Not knocked out, he literally fell asleep on the spot after that.

Cody got up, holding the side of his face and assessed the absolute mess in front of him, 'we are all fucking children' he thought to himself.

"So, what'll it be? Grinding my bones to dust? Skinning me alive? Fisting me and using me like a sock puppet?" T suggested ways to fuck him up, as he knew he was fucked, royally.

Rip T, 2k17...I mean whenever we started fucking writing this.

2kgo fuck yourself I guess.

Man, technically a console generation has gone by since we started this. The nintendo bitch or something.

"...Why're you so suddenly hostile?" Alice asked, glaring her death glare of- We've went into this a fucking ton already haven't we?

"Huh? Uh, oh, uh...well...Alice, you tried to fucking rape me." T said seriously this time around with a scowl to boot.

Serious frown words for serious people.

"Like, fuck Alice, that's fucked up. You were _forcing_ yourself onto me. Even when I said no, Alice, and that's, well, not okay. So yeah, I threw sand in your eyes, it was the only way I could get you off me without, well, stabbing you or something. I've already gone through like, what? Two near death experiences at this point from monster girls? Fuck if I'm just gonna go 'Oh hey you're nice, here's my dick' just because I thought you _weren't_ going to rape me like them. Which I was apparently _wrong_ for thinking."

Yes.

Yes T was trying to guilt trip Alice.

Was this wrong?

Fuck no, she's a rapist. Bitch.

Rape is wrong kids, fun fact for cool hedgehogs. Chili dawgs dudes.

"Seriously fam, just use Luka," Cody suggested, "I think he gets off on that shit."

She just kinda scrunched up her face in disgust, "I'd...prefer not to touch him. While he smells...nice, he's, well...he defecated himself. In front of me. Its, well...very off putting." she said, grossed out at the thought.

I mean, can you think sexy thoughts of a guy you've seen shit himself?

...Don't answer that you sick fucks.

She sighed "I...see, that I've...done some wrong here. I, well, should've acknowledge your consent…" she looked down for a moment, before looking up with a glare "You were flirting and asking for it, and I was just trying to train you to resist these things." she said, covering her currently non/half-existent ass.

Seriously what the fuck was up with that thing?

T glared "You know that's a load of shit and I'm disappointed you think I'm dumb enough to fall for the 'train me to deal with it' thing. And really? Ask for it? Oh yeah, Luka annoys me, he's _asking_ to get _murdered._ Yeah, that's what _you_ sound like Alice." T said, poking her roughly on the sternum as she leaned back, because well, moral high horse.

Being wrong is bothering enough to make someone forget they could snap the other in half like a twig.

"You, fucked, up. Accept it, or are you an actual fucking monster?" he said, before sighing "I'ma go beat the shit out of something, Cody? Come if ya want." T said angrily walking past.

As Cody walked out of the room with his bag and blade, he made a swift comment towards Alice, "Just go fuck some random fuck in town if you really need manmilk, I mean c'mon you're hot as fuck so it wouldn't be hard."

The door shut, and all Alice could say was: "What...the fuck?"

-Remember that we made it serious?-

T was plodding along after getting the quest hook to well, beat up the bandits.

And by bandits he full well knew he was gonna be beating the shit out of kids.

Our heroes folks.

And yes, if you get to the point of terrifying an entire fucking city you deserve to get kicked in the face.

Being that T got some dank ass good directions, they soon enough ran into you know who, because alternate story telling is for nerds and good writers.

Cough, shameless plug for 'I need a meatshield- I mean hero.' or whatever the real fuckin' name was. An actually good fic. Man, we should get paid for this advertisement.

Cough.

So yeah, they ran into the goblin, because duh.

"I'm a bandit, gimme your mon-"

Cody effortlessly ripped the hammer from the grip of the pathetic failure and just let it fall onto the ground, "No, gimme your money nerd."

Why to the ground?

The things like a quarter of a 600 pound anvil, at fucking _least._

"Oowww, you big meanie-" she whined as T took the hammer off the ground and tested the weight. Levels are cool shit bro.

T eyed her, then looked at the cave, then eyes the hammer, and took it in two hands.

"-and, and you eat dirt- wait what are you- why're you spinning?" Goblins girl asked.

"BEYBLADE BEYBLADE LET IT FUCKING RIIIIIIIIP!" T screamed as he slammed the hammer head into her stomach and launched her into the cave.

"FOOOOOOORRRR, bitch." T said proudly, sighing in contentment before he blinked and looked horrified.

"Jesus fucking Christ T!"Cody yelled, "that was a god damn kid!"

"I fucking know! I'm sorry! I almost got raped alright gimme a fucking bre- wait no shouldn't use that as a excuse." he paused for a moment, thinking, then nodded once he came up with something "Alice tried to _justify_ raping me Cody, c'mon. Let's, let's just fucking see if she's dead...god I don't wanna bury a kid." he said, plodding along with the hammer in his hand while leaned on his shoulder.

Cody gulped.

Then journeyed forth, and was confronted by a kinda scared but confident-ish lamia girl.

She began to speak her lines, when T walked up and she was startled, then startled again when he dropped her friends hammer on the ground and crouched at her...MENACINGLY!

He reached out suddenly and...grabbed her tail.

Being this is porn she tried to moan, which T just jerked her tail and began spinning.

"WAHOO, ITSA ME, MARIO MOTHERFUCKER!" then launched her into the wall, making a dent.

"Y'know, I am oddly candid despite almost killing a kid. That's a problem." he paused.

Then shrugged for dramatic effect.

Next up with the Vampire who popped out and was like 'Look into my eyes fuckbois.'

"...Fuck off." T said, tossing sand in her eyes then punting her into the roof.

Jesus man this is a slaughter.

Cody just followed behind T, trying to avoid looking at the lolis and child abuse. Albeit, it was probably smarter to wait outside the cave. But in that case, he wouldn't get EXP

Rape is wrong, but child abuse is k if you have an excuse.

Our heroes folks.

He didn't even let the dragon speak, just spun around and murder-stroked her with the counter weight.

Yes, he grabbed the hammer, and slammed her in the face with the wrong end.

Also they got like **two levels** or fucking whatever. Maybe **three**. For Cody. T got like one, because he'd got some dank EXP for sanding Alice in her vagina-face.

T eventually found the Goblin, embedded in the wall deep in the cave, and well, she wasn't dead it appeared.

"Thank fucking anime jesus cody, fuck." T sighed, as if he didn't just mercilessly abuse three other children without remorse.

T then paused, looked at his hammer, then nodded.

"I regret nothing." he said.

Our, fucking, heroes folks.

Safe to say, everything of value that they could carry was taken. Including their kettle. Because olden day kettles were fuckin expensive man.

Le funny hero folk maymay.

Har har.

But yeah, robbed fuckin' blind. They pocketed everything, and T tied three of them with the lamia girls tail, and just kinda sat there until they stopped being unconscious, then started screaming. Why?

T was just crouching there, with his hammer on his shoulders, leaning in.

Menacingly.

So yeah they screamed for awhile.

"A-a-are you gonna kill us?" "Or eat us!" "Or, or sell us?!" "Or, or...Rape us?!"

…

"Do you fuckin' want me to?" T asked confused, then shook his head "Whatever, you all-" he swung and smashed his hammer next to them, causing them to scream again. "-are gonna apologize to _everyone in the village,_ and you're gonna promise to work off your debts, and you don't know where a _single_ gold went, got it? You came back, and it was gone." T glared at them intensely.

10/10 best heroes.

"B-bu-"

"IT WAS FUCKING-" he smashed the hammer into the ground "-GONE."

They screamed "YES, yeah, GONE, yeah gone- oh please don't kill us."

T smiled happily "Good." he reached down and untied them "Now, if I don't hear about you doing honest work…" he leans in "I will find you, and I will _kill you."_

Yes, they screamed, and ran, for miles.

RIP T's moral standing.

Cody vomited the moment they left the cave, "I fucking hate lolis…and getting near one was..."

"Yeah, the vampire's...cloak was riding up. Probably shoulda threatened murder if they didn't get some fucking clothing. Oh well, nobody's perfect." T said, shrugging. "Let's go get that rewards for beating their ass." he said as he walked out of the cave, backpack a jingling.


	8. Scarface Returns

Chapter 7: Remember when I wasn't anime porn game Scarface?

'FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" she screamed as she hurried to her spot, dirt and shit covered fuckin' toast in her mouth, she burst from the fucking ground.

Because she was an earthworm.

Girl.

Earthworm girl (dig-usting).

I'll be here all week.

"Oh monster jesus I was so late. Hopefully no- ADVENTURERS!" she screamed, not pointing at them with her not hand.

"What?" T said, turning around confused "Oh god your so fuckin-" And then he just vomited.

Right.

Into.

Her.

Face.

"Bleugh AHHHH, GROOOOO-" and then she felt what an anvil probably felt like dropped on her head.

Now ya see, T just kinda swung madly, consumed by disgust and the need to somehow push the earthworm's smelly body away…

Ever seen Gallagher?

T was Gallagher, and her head was the melon, and T's hammer was the hammer.

So yeah, T and Cody were covered in red jelly.

It wasn't as tasty as you would think.

"Bleugh fuck, I'm out, fuck." T said, rushing off away from the stench of death and shit and dirt, and more shit.

Earthworms roam around in shit and their own shit.

Plus I mean...she's had no showers for about, what, let's say 18+ years?

Cody stared at the mass for a short moment, shuttered, gagged, and followed T wordlessly.

Now ya see kids, you might think that was a little OP.

Might I remind you that she was weaker than _fucking children?_

She was more easily defeated by Luka then _fucking children._

Also the world makes no sense, Goblin woulda fuckin' died instantly, because censors didn't want kids to die.

"Hold on, didn't Luka technically get a bit of Xp from Granberia?" Cody questioned.

"Eh? Oh...yeah. Why?"

"It wasn't like thirty fuckin; levels like you got."

"I mean, I _did_ actually beat her...technically." T noted as he tried to wipe the wormblood off his face.

"I wonder if there's more exploits we could use?" Cody though for a bit, but being an uncreative little fuck he didn't really get many ideas. Besides maybe similar duels.

T shrugged "I mean, we could go to Enrika and try to nab some cool shit, or just grind for EXP."

"Wouldn't grinding for XP on monsters fuck things a little bit?" Cody suggested.

"Nah, we just go towards a location and scream or something about wanting to fuck some monster girls. Monster girls come to us, we whack em, dead and done!" T said as if that'd work. It might. Who fucking knows?

"In that case we should get angel halo, right? Respawning enemies and we don't need to kill anyone. Oh god, we're gonna have to kill a god."

"But how the fuck are we gonna convince Alice to give us an item I uh...kinda gave a speech that'd make it seem like I don't want it?"

"Because I'm a scholar studying magic, remember?"

"Wasn't it an artifact from Luka's dad? Why would the _monsterlord_ have it, huh? Also wouldn't the Halo fucking kill use because we're humans?" T said, squinting

Cody thought a moment, "I don't quite remember that, but I guess it does make sense."

"Yeah, Heinrich didn't kill everything because that shit corroded his body because humans ain't sposed to drink the jesus wine from Ilias' tiddy." T said, scratching the back of his head

"If living in a modern era didn't make you feel like a worthless lil shit…"

\- OW MY WRIST! -

"Cody stop being a fuckin' edgy cun-..." T stopped "Cody...did we transition?"

Cody looked around for a second in confusion, they were in fact back in Illias village. But he didn't remember walking there...well he did but. One way he thought it about it, the trek felt short. But if he thought in well, a different light it felt long, "What do you mean?"

"Why'd it take so long to repl-OOF" And T fell over after slamming into a soft, immovable object, crumpling like a sack of millennial dreams.

"T." Alice said, arms crossed.

"...Alice, I see your ability to spill my moms spaghetti is on point." T said from the ground.

"What?" She said, thrown off by the odd statement.

"Nothing." T said rising, then stopped.

"Cody?" T said, looking to said d00d in a serious manner.

"What?" Cody asked confused as fuck, like a wizard trying to do the dick in a box present for his girlfriend and then discovering his dicks disappeared.

"I gave Alice a giant info dump...And I kinda wanna make it completely pointless." T said boldfaced, then shivered as he felt the two people who actually read the info dump shoot themselves.

"...Excuse me?" Cody asked. Then felt ice cold sins of two dead readers shoot up his spine, though he didn't know they existed. I'm winking at the camera, you just can't see it.

"I spent like thirty fucking minutes telling Alice a buncha shit that explains how we act and well, yeah, I'm _way_ too lazy to try and act like the shit I made up. SO yeah, can I?" T said, tilting his head

"Wait what?" Alice said, even more confused than cody was, she was like a Magician who lost his dick, then did the rabbit hat trick, and pulled out his dick.

"Uh, that's on you, cool cat," Cody replied, "...wait, cool cat?"

 _Winking_

T shrugged, then turned to Alice, steeling himself up "So...Alice."

"That was all _lies?_ " She said, glaring.

But you see, T stared into death, and motorboated her white titties.

Alice no longer scared him.

"Yep, 100%. But I had a reason. What's that reason? You." T said, pointing to her like some phoenix wright impersonator at a con.

"What?! Me?" The imaginary judge hmm'd at this accusation as 'TAKE THAT' screamed in T's head.

Yeah he was probably insane now that he avidly imagined stupid shit in live time.

"You see Alice, whether or not you know it, you are an important figure in _saving the fucking world bitch._ I had to create a story in order to convince you to follow us, or else things would spiral out of control, or at least, that's what I thought at the time." T said, crossing his arms

"Whether or not you believe me, you see Alice…"

"Me and Cody's are oracles of this worlds FATE!" He yelled, before he mentally heard a 'HOLD IT!' in his head

"Uhhh...T? How hard did you hit your head when you hit the ground after...you know what nevermind," Cody chimed in, he seemed to become as small as possible without outright crouching down.

"Oracles, important? Who in their right mind would believe you? I didn't realize I was travelling with madmen. Hmph, sup-"

"OBJECTION!" T screamed "You haven't seen my proof, or rather, heard it! Alpheese the 16th, I, T, am 17 years old. I physically could not have been present at an event you had in your childhood, besides that, I shouldn't have even been present!" T yelled, pointing to the sky and posing.

"What? What even-"

"The event of your mother's death." T said, leaning in sharply, to which Alice flinched back, as if struck

"Alpheese Fateburn the 15th sealed you away in a magic cell that was supposedly invulnerable. Upon your mothers defeat you went berserk, killing Karen and Merlin, blinding Marcelus, and crippling Lazarus' arm. Afterwhich, Tamamo took care of you, though kitsune's bullied you, until the point at which the coronation for the next monster lord occured." T said, glaring as he walked towards Alice, who looked kinda like what a fish would look like if you chucked it onto a hot oven surface.

Cody was just watching these events play out, running a single hand through his hair. He kinda wanted to intervene, but didn't know what actions he would take in doing so.

Alice was completely fucking lost at this point, her mind so fucked by the raw fact that T, the young man who was seemingly too young to be at pretty much any of this, had somehow _known_ about her life to a greater detail than she'd be comfortable with anyone knowing, and most definitely not a 17 year old boy who spouted something about being an oracle...but then, was it true?

Could he have _foreseen it?_

"Now, previously? I thought we needed you...but now? I don't care." T said, leaning away "Sure, you'd make it easier, but after doing what I have? And more than what was foretold? Whether or not you want to help doesn't matter. But stop me and Cody?" T clapped his hands with a smile "And the whole world dies, along with everything you know and love." he said.

Cody was in denial of what just happened and also...

has stopped responding...

-Fuck-

Chapter 7, part 2: IT'S HIP TO FUCK BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Yes. Yes I did make a part 2 so I could make a silly title. Yes, this is in the middle of the chapter.

Yes.

Nonetheless, T was garbed in a shirt turban, and looting. Looting every fucking shirt this man had.

Why?

Y'see, Alice was catatonic from having her brain imploded, so T convinced cody to help him fashion a giant fishing pole and string from luka's rope and his hammer.

And currently the shop owner was cowering from Alices death stare, as she was tied to the hammer T stole.

Turns out in a world of idiots you can get away with anything.

Nonetheless T was figuring out how to look stylish whilst also wearing like 5 layers of Enrikan shirts and pants, along with random fucking armor pieces.

It was a work in progress.

Cody just exchanged his robe with the Enrikan set, being already uncomfortable enough with two belts alone. That being said, he was also less talkative than usual. That shitlord's glisten seemed to be drowned in 'well, this shit just happened.'

"Welp." T said, covered in armor and shirts, "How do I look baws?" he asked

T wore his breastplate, shoes, and gloves, but got rid of the excessive chainmail since enrikan shit was better. Aside from that he'd scored some wrist and ankle guards. He looked pretty normal actually, and a lot less armored to boot. Still had the hoods on the tunics though, because shit was neat. Also he grabbed a metal forehead protector while making both a dragon quest joke and a naruto joke at the same time.

Shit sucked so not gonna tell ya.

He's also dropped his weapons in favor for his hammer, the trusty eye dagger, and the crossbow because he didn't know the first fuckin' think about using a longbow.

Cody shrugged, "I wonder where Luka's at."

He shrugged "At the hotel asleep." he said, "Probably anyways." he said, "Not really concerned since we kinda don't need him outside a food." T said, rummaging around the counter for the cash.

"Dude...that's fucking cold. Even against Luka," Cody shivered like the temperature had suddenly dropped.

"We've pillow smothered his ability to be a hero to the degree at which he's at slug girl level, at the _most._ We got a world to save fam." T shrugged "Plus, I mean, never really cared for him all that much, dude gets off on snails being put on his dick. Eugh." T said, grossed out.

"Pillow smothered? We've been here two days for fuck…" Cody shook his head and sighed slightly. Giving up.

"Luka needed those levels we've basically stole from him, and not only that, Luka hasn't trained _at all_ with Alice. And we're stuck on a time table Cody, a time table that we tripped Luka at the starting gate for like idiots." T said, pulling out a sack of cash, of which he pocketed, then hopped over the counter. "I just realized I'm wearing what basically amounts to an Enrikan gambison. Neat." T commented on as he patted his floofy ass clothes.

"Look, if you're done; let's just get out."

-Sassy-

"Robbery is fucking awesome." T said as he walked, Alice-Hammer in hand, and in the other? A sack, a sack full of-

"T do you even fucking know how to use explosives?" Cody asked, looking wearily at the bag of fucking death T was carrying around casually.

"Nope." T said, then shrugged "Not like it's that hard. Light it up and toss it, then boom."

And this, was probably how T would die the second time.

And where was Luka? Since they were on the road to Happiness village after all.

-OH SHITURU-

"H-bwuh?" Luka said as he stared at the note T left.

'Hey, off to save the world, sorry for leaving ya but we had to, have fun kiddo!'

Love T-ick tock big glock man.

"Whats a glock?" Luka asked to no one.

-linebreaksRgey-

"I really don't wanna get near that bee," Cody said to himself, though since T had noticed him say it he said aloud, "all of these early monsters like to dump fluids for some reason."

"Fuckin' dump fetishists and their toilet love." T cursed, staring at the gross as fuck creature before them.

"*Insert monster ambush line here*" said bee-tits.

*SAVE LOCATION _INTENSIFIES*_

Then bee tits was struck with a rather small bolt of pure arcane energy, from who? From the now exhausted Cody.

"OW, my FACE!" She screamed, grabbing her face with her human hands "Ah owow, wait, did you just-" she lifted her hands away from her face to reveal T, and his hammer, more precisely, T's insanely stupid attack.

You see, T for come reason had choked the hammer end so much he was basically just holding onto it like a mug, a mug he was slamming into the bee's face.

Now you see, T had a plan.

"YOU ARE THE PLANK TO MY NAIL!" he yelled as he pulled up and shanked her right in the middle of the chest, and, well.

Did a mandragora on her, but with a hammer head instead of his fist, and her chest instead of her eye.

She stared down at the dagger, then up at T's back as he spun around, then back at the dagger, then back up at the spinning hammer head about three inches from her face.

T though, this time decided to say 'Fuck melons' and also didn't want to clean brain matter from his face, so she merely probably got a concussion along _with_ her unconciousness.

A package deal only for 0.69$!

T stared for a moment before realizing tha 'Oh yeah chest wounds tend to kill people' and pulled the dagger out, but, well, yeah kinda too late for that.

"Well dicks." T said, staring at his dagger, then to her, then to his dagger, to which he proceeded to wipe off on her hair.

What a dick.

 **Cody has** (barely) **leveled up!**

T then proceed to crouch down an-

Oh god he's eating it.

He's eating dead bee honey, and making pleased noises about it too.

"Fuck, shits good. No wonder Ama-ama dango's are fucking awesome." T said, looking over the tipped over catacombs

Cody gave T a disgusted look, "T, you like honey? Ew."

"You do know that anime girl moe automatically makes something that should taste gross into taste, right?" he said.

And this is where Alice snapped out of it.

To see T with a sticky face with his hand half shoved into his mouth.

"...Why did I have to regain my senses now?" she asked the sky, but don'tcha know?

God's blonde, and evil, and has a nice rack, but mostly is evil.

T rose, still sucking on his hand to get the honey off before he grabbed his canteen and got to cleaning his fucking face.

Being sticky is gros, supa gros.

"I know...honey if fucking disgusting," Cody replied.

"Oh yeah totes, just tastes sweet as fuck. Like candy goo. You ever have any of that?" he asked

"Candy goo?" Cody questioned.

"Yeah, comes in little squirt bottle things, ya squish it and like, slushy flavored goo comes out, y'know, like squeezee pop or whatever."

"You mean that sour shit?" Cody continued, "that uno mas or whatever."

"I guess, sorta? Just sweet as fuck. Shits cash. Does anyone even say cash anymore?"

And thus they fucking babbled for like an hour straight as they walked.

-let's just cut this off before we waste like 30 pages-


	9. The damn chapter name is too damn long

Chapter 8: Remember your safety procedures when you are handling volatile chemical mixtures.

HEYO fegets, we have a discord now. /6WZPMBn

"T why are we in the fucking bushes watching an 8 year old?" Cody asked, "I thought we were done with 8 year olds for fuck sakes." He complained, quietly of course, because _who wants to be marked as a pedophile?_

"Because-" T started, then they heard screams.

"OH FUCK A HARPY" or something more or less all the women screamed like stereotypical 1940s drama girls.

He rose from the bushes and walked over towards the boy "-I didn't want to talk to some NPCs about shit I already know." he said, looking over at the harpy that was, well, halfway taking the boy, and halfway staring at him confused at his sudden appearance.

"Eh? You weren't there...eh, who cares about chameleon boys, you're still a boy!" she said, letting the 8 year old go "And a bigger boy at that!" she added

She was then hit by the blunt side of a flying hatchet.

"OW FUCK, MY FAC-" and then she felt her bird feet get grabbed.

You see my boys, T had been lugging around a hammer that was basically an anvil on a stick.

A harpy with hollowed bones was in fact, less heavy than an anvil (Probably)

Ever see the avengers movie?

"PUNY HARPY!" T screamed as he slammed the harpy on the ground repeatedly, before dropping her beat ass on the ground.

"Ow...please...mercy…" she begged, to which T climbed onto her stomach, trapping her, and she was crying too.

He lifted his fist up, her eyes slammed shut, not wanting to watch it come, he _then-_

-patted her cheek.

"Wha-" she said, confused.

"I don't plan to kill you, I just have one thing to ask you." He said with a pleasant smile, his hand behind his back.

She blinked as he leaned in and something _metal_ was pressed to her throat.

"You _will_ fucking tell me where your village is, or I'll skin you, cook you, and feed you to your _parents._ " he said staring at her with a blank expression.

Cody walked out of his leafy sanctuary (not the youtuber, you loser) and walked over to pick up his hatchet, "meh."

T wrapped his arms and legs around her, hugging her head to his chest, then stood up a bit, and fell back to where it looked like she was missionary fucking him. "Cody, tie up her fucking wings. Move woman, and I _will_ give you a lobotomy." he said, pressing the tip of the dagger to the back of her head

Cody struggled to use the rope in any meaningful way for like fifteen minutes before he actually got a knot that could hold.

"Alright then." he said, shoving her unceremoniously on the ground, and standing up and dusting himself off "EVERYONE, HARPY'S DEALT WITH, COME THE FUCK OUT!" he yelled, before grabbing some of the extra rope and tying her legs up while the women and boy emerged.

"Gonna leave her by a train and twirl your mustache?" Cody asked.

"Eh, she's more or less innocent? I'm a hypocrite, I admit, but yeah, we'll be using her to solve this issue without having to involve everyone in a fucking war." He said as the women went up to inspect the harpy, amazed.

T raised his hand up for them to stop as he glared at them, "Yeah no shut the fuck up, I'm an oracle of sorts, and I know what happened to the men, also, don't touch the fucking Harpy we need her." T said, to which the crowd broke out in murmurs that I'm too lazy to go over because who even _cares_ about them, honestly?

"WHAT'D I JUST FUCKING SAY!" T said, then paused "Fuck I don't have my hammer for dramatic effect." he walked over to the bushes, pulled out his hammer, walked back, said what he just said but with yes yelling and then smashed the hammer on the ground, which startled the deers- I mean villagers

"Anyways, yeah, your husbands and sons and shit? Not dead, not tortured, not eaten. In fact, they're doing fine, why? Well, first, lemme ask you this." T crouched like he was some slavic cunt with adidas

"What would you do if your race would die without something? Like say, your crops died, and you and your family would die? Well, that village over there has some, quite a bit of crops in fact, they don't _need_ them all. They can get crops from elsewhere, unlike you. So you take some, so you'll survive, and not fucking _die."_ T said, then rose and cracked his neck

"And that's what the Harpy's are doing. You have men, they need men to keep making harpy's to survive, and I'm not gonna just let you kill them, so to put it simply, I'm gonna get your men back, and you are going to share, or die out as a village." T said as an ultimatum

The elder woman spoke up "But don't they live forever? Monster girls don't even have to eat, they just-"

"You don't know anything, shut up. You are mentally handicapped." he said with a dull eyed stare "Monster girls don't live forever, just like you don't. They need to eat, but for some fucking reason they need _semen_. Anyways, they need to make the next generation, but guess what? Monster girls means only _girls._ So yeah, man plus girl equals harpy baby."

"We could probably bust nuts into jars as peace offerings…" Cody thought out loud.

"Uhhh, what?" T said confused as he looked at Cody.

"Did I say that out loud?"

"Yes. What, did you think would happen? There'd be some cosmic line brea-"

-OwO, *Notices bulge*-

T was carrying the Harpy, Alice still missing for obvious reasons as T used the Harpy for directions. The harpy was sorta okay with it? I mean, yes, he did threaten her life, but on the other hand he was planning on fixing the issues between the two villages, also, harpies are fucking dumb so of course her opinion flipped that fast for the sake of plot.

"Aaaaannnnddddd you take a left at _this_ tree...I think." the harpy said, unsure

"Do you even fucking know where we're going?" T asked as he glared at her

"Well, I mean, I'm usually _flying_ while going through here so excuuusssseeee me hero if I don't know what's on the ground!" she whined, to which T sighed, then untied her feet, to her confusion "Fuck it." he said simply, taking his hammer and dropping in on the ground.

And then he did something unexpected.

He started untying her wings.

Cody used his advanced premonition to detect what T was doing, so he rolled a bluff check. He shot an arcane bolt right next to the harpy's head, "if you try to fuck off, that's going _into you._ And I can hit a flying bee," he threatened through not slightly deeper breathe.

The harpy stared, shocked, and scared.

Man, having a 4 in Intelligence sucks.

So she was freed, and stared at them unsure of what to do, looking back and forth worried

"Alright, grab me and bring me home, and cody if you can. And to someone who's watching?" he looked up to the sky "Make sure my hammers safe at the village, else you know what happens. It's important." then T hugged the Harpy

"Mush bitch mush." he said simply as Cody followed along and hugged her as well.

-One heart attack later-

T was hugging the ground alongside Cody, enjoying stability in the form of the floor, the thing that'll always catch you when you fall.

"Yeah no we're never doing that again." T said as he rose up to his feet and dusted himself off.

"Just fly up and get your bearings then come back, and remember," he conjured another bolt of raw energy. Judging by the damage to the bee it probably did jack shit for damage in all reality, "flying bee."

T sighed "Sorry for all that, we're not that bad, but sometimes you gotta be forceful to help people, right? Because at some point some hero stronger than us would come, and, well, not be so endeared to your struggle, right?" T was turning up the bullshit, which seemed to work alot

"Y-yeah!" she said, before flying off

T cracked his neck "Let's go find the queen I spose." he said wandering into the city like he belonged there. T and Cody had foregone their bags since, well, the village could take care of them. The only odd thing about the duo was their weapons and armor, but T hypothesized that if they act like it isn't a big deal for them to be there, that they wouldn't get accosted.

"So...how are we gonna fuck up harpies if things go sideways?" Cody questioned, "I'm not sure of this change weight spell's abilities."

"We 'give up' then one of us holds them, and the other punches the shit outta them. We are going Non-lethal for this. Hence why I dropped my hammer." T said as they walked

Now you see, T and Cody didn't wait like idiots, so there were harpies fucking _everywhere._ Some of which were weirded out by T and Cody's armed selves, but then again, the duo didn't seem to be here with bad intentions, so they quickly got distracted by _life._

Harpies still gotta pay taxes.

God damn absolutes.

T then realized something.

He reached over and tapped a Harpy girls shoulder, giving Cody a heart attack.

"Huh, oh, hello, who're you? I don't remember seeing you around." she said as she noticed the duo

"Ah, yeah, we're kinda _new arrivals_. Got nabbed by the same girl embarrassingly enough, but the night was good. Can't say I expected all...this! But yeah, could you direct me to the Queen's house? Our wife's there, said something about a surprise." he said with an easy going smile

"Oh! Wonderful, well, if you go down there-"

-When you max out bluff-

"I can't fucking believe you did that." Cody said, looking dumbfounded

T shrugged "People are dumb, and when you can basically tell the truth because you know everything, it kinda helps." he said as he looked up at the house, then looked over at the stares ( It's like normal stairs, but spelled differently )leading up "Well. Seems we'll be breaking and entering Cody. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, cuz the midnight intruders are coming tonight." he said as he walked over to the stairs.

"Who do you voo-wait what?" Cody asked, "fuck it, let's just punch a big tit bird lady or whatever."

And thus there was no transition, as they climbed the stairs, like normal people.

The lifted one leg, their left, or well, T's right, and Cody's left.

They planted their foot on the next step, then lifted the opposite leg, T tripped a bit but recovered.

Then planted it on the next step.

And the next step.

And the next.

And the

And

And they

And they arrived

And they arrived soon

And they arrived soon after

And they arrived soon after.

"Fuck that was a lotta stairs." T said looking back at the spiralling staircase of wood.

"Why

Why the

Why the fuck am I talking like this?"

"I

I really

I really don't

I really don't know

I really don't know the

I really don't know the secret

I really don't know the secret to

I really don't know the secret to Cinnamon

I really don't know the secret to Cinnamon-"

Intern, turn off stair mode.

But it's off?

What do you mean it's off?

I mean it's off! He's just _talking like that._

Why is he just talking like that?

Because he's making a fucking joke at cody for talking like that.

What the fuck is this sorcery?

I think it's what people call a 'Meme' sir.

God damn it! My worst enemy!

"-Toast-"

STOP HIM BEFORE-

"I really don't kno-"

-HE CAUSES A-

"-w the secret t-"

-A MEME-

"-o Cinnamon-"

-SING-

"-Toast-"

-ULAR-

"Crunch."

-ITYyyyYYYyYYyYYYYYyyyyyy…

Narrator **.Hey fanfiction readers you're gonna get something special because for some fucking reason FF doesn't accept a certain file extension, so, therefore, we're gonna have this message, after every fucking time that file extension is supposed to appear in the story.** has stopped responding…

Close

Close **.Hey fanfiction readers you're gonna get something special because for some fucking reason FF doesn't accept a certain file extension, so, therefore, we're gonna have this message, after every fucking time that file extension is supposed to appear in the story.** has stopped responding…

"God fucking dammit." Tristan said as he stared at the screen "Fucking future machine." he glared at the screen, then pressed Control, Alt, and Delete to open the windows 69 task manager.

"Why in the fuck didn't they skip this edition?" Tristan idly wondered as he ended the process of and "It's fucking trash, can't even run a good black simulation." he complained.

TrojanWar **.Hey fanfiction readers you're gonna get something special because for some fucking reason FF doesn't accept a certain file extension, so, therefore, we're gonna have this message, after every fucking time that file extension is supposed to appear in the story.** activated…

"What?" he said confused, then his computer blue screened and he sighed. "Fucking old virus references." he sighed as he got up and grabbed his computer, which was a singular device about the size of his hand, and walked towards his personal teleporter. "Fuckin, gotta go to space best buy. Who even named these places? 4000-chan?" he said as he appeared in front of the 'Robot Squad', which he also thought was a dumb fucking name. "Yo, fuckasses, my machine broke." he said dumping it on the hard-light desk.

"THAnk you for COMING sir or MADAM or trigendered pyro fox-"

"Skip." Tristan said tiredly, not wanting to hear the fifty thousand different programmed gender pronouns.

"Do you HAVE a WarrrrrrANTY?"

"Yes you dumb fucking robot." Tristan said glaring at him, god damn fucking insomnia chip was on the fritz again, so he felt like shit because he didn't know how to sleep.

Tristan held up his phone, which was the size of his finger nail, and scanned it using the hard light scanner.

"Warranty accepted [TRISTAN-O87B]"

Tristan sighed in relief that it worked, fuckin' things were prone to not working, since space Bester-Buy was quickly killing space Best-Buy with their 99 cent space computers.

Fuckin' Bester-Buy.

"REEEEEE," Why the fuck did they have to make that noise? "Computer invalid, please retrieve computer, please retrie-" I just reached over and ripped my computer out of the dipshit robots chest. God damn Mac-bots, worthless trash.

"Where the fuck is the janitor?" Tristan asked, walking around looking for him, since he was the only human being here.

It wasn't long, since the only two people in space best buy was him and the Janitor.

"Yo, take me to your leader and all that 4-chan shit." he said dully.

Tristan knew this space best buy janitor pretty well, since it was his friend, Cody-Z69Z.

I mean, how can you not make friends with the guy that killed himself that many times to get that exact number?

"Oh shit, ugh," Cody shook his head, "the manager bot malfunctioned as well. I haven't been paid in like six years. Still waiting on the repair bot to fix it."

"Just fuckin' steal the money using your thief bot you fucking idiot." Tristan said

"That broke too. It was space-Best Buy issued. Look just tell me which robot is fucked."

He jerked his thumb to point behind him "The desk squaddie." T said dully

Cody threw his space-bucket at the mac-bot, it hit it with a clunk, "try it now."

"God dammit you lazy college drop-out fix my fucking computer." T said waving his computer at Cody.

Cody sighed and took the computer, he inspected it and turned it on, "Oh I see...gonna have to get a disc adapter to reinstall windows-69. You know MAC-os gold 6 lite and Knuckles isn't as prone to viruses."

"Cody did you contract space-gay from your furry girlfriend again?" Tristan squinted his eyes at him

"Did you just assume bun gender?"

-SURPRISE-

So after getting his legs broken by the space-SJW's he crawled across the street with his computer in hand, since the street was empty and all that.

He then looked over and got hit by a car at light speed.

-Rip-

Tristan-O88B sighed as he was plopped into his supro-chair with his computer in hand "Fucking teenagers." T said, plugging his computer into his quantum battery because he apparently was thrown into a mutated body this time. Some bio-mechanical thing.

Also he was pretty sure he had a vagina.

Fucking Space-SJWs fucking with his clones.

He sighed as he booted it up and restarted Narrator **.Hey fanfiction readers you're gonna get something special because for some fucking reason FF doesn't accept a certain file extension, so, therefore, we're gonna have this message, after every fucking time that file extension is supposed to appear in the story.**


End file.
